'Twas the Night Before Classes
I don't think I have ever not cried the night before classes start. What a negative sentence. In all regards, that is very negative writing. Let me try again. I always cry the night before classes start. See, that way, despite the negative content, the words are technically positive. I do not know what it is though, regarding the catalyst for the crying, I mean. I just know that it has always happened, since I was a mere youngin. I have always hated school. Well, I love it, but I also hate it. I love learning. I genuinely love the tedium of completing assignments and the joy that comes from crossing items off of lists. I love to share new facts with my family and friends that I learned at school. Especially now; college allows all of the people in your life to diverge onto their on paths; we are all learning different content, now, rather than the horrid required courses in high school. Everyone brings new information to the table. We all have something unique to contribute and help to complement one another's intelligence. Makes conversations more lively between friends and family. But, despite my passion for learning, I have always dreaded the physical attendance at school. I can't imagine not hating it. I think everyone does, to some degree. I know some people love having regimens to stick to and a set schedule. But, I think everyone can agree that sitting through class is horrible.
Anyway, you really think I would be over the first day jitters by now. I get having them in middle school. People are mean when they are that age. It was all social anxiety. Not knowing where to sit, not knowing how to act, blah blah blah, that stuff makes sense. I even get it in high school. New building, new people, again, social anxiety. Lunch rooms are terrifying. But, in college? Why be nervous? You make your own schedule. There is no obligation to meet people. There are no lunch tables. No stigma of sitting alone. So why do I hate it? I am not worried about finding my buildings. I know my professors won't care if I show up a little late because I was lost. I don't know. I think it is still social anxiety, but in a different form:
Summer and Winter break are only three months and one month long, respectively. Going into these breaks, I make a lot of plans. I fill up my time, jamming in lots of fun events and big things. Concerts, Cedar Point, vacations, etc. There is a sudden sense of rush to fulfill my fun meter. Additionally, these four months out of the twelve are the only time I get to spend with my high school friends, all of whom I love dearly, and most of whom I remain close to. I love them to death and spending time with them remains to be the source of most of my laughter and joy. I feel truly myself around them, relaxed, eager to talk and debate, and just have fun. I could spend endless hours with them. That is how I view breaks. However, I view a school semester, which is only five months long, as eternity. I do not plan stuff because I assume I will be busy. I have obligations: classes, homework, work, clubs, etc. I assume I have time and will leisurely find fun events to attend as the opportunities rise. I do not seek fun, I let myself have it when I am available.
Do you see what I mean? It's a total mindset thing. It doesn't help that I transferred. I have a lot of people that I love at Kent, but don't really have friend FRIENDS. You know? Like, I do not feel comfortable, really. It just takes time. And being in the right place at the right time. I lowered my chances by transferring in. I knew that risk. But, anyway. It is a mindset that I really want to change. I can still have fun. I can still plan things. It is just class. It does not absorb that much of my time, at all. There really is no difference between school time and break time. Like, over break I still have a job, which is all school really is. There is no difference, in that regard. You get things done, then you go have fun.
I think this mindset all started with the whole "college experience" crap that people feed you through media and earlier education. They make it seem like you are going to an island of drunk kids and studious evenings where you never see the "real world" until you graduate. They make it seem like you can only see your friends from other schools over breaks, and that you are only allowed to see your parents a few times a semester, preferably during break. They make it seem like if you go home, which you may love doing, you aren't getting "the college experience."
What the hell is the college experience? Staying up so late that your acne breaks out? Drinking until you feel out of control? Distancing yourself from loved ones and forcing yourself to stay in your college's shelter? Where does the pressure come from to stay on campuses? Am I the only one that feels it? Where does the pressure come from to become independent from a loving and caring family? Am I the only one that feels it? And why, WHY, does everyone always say, "you won't be friends with your high school friends." For poop's sake, why cannot I meet new people and keep the old ones? It is like this unspoken standard to move on from loved ones just because we have repeatedly been told that we WILL. I am sorry that your friendships didn't pan out, Carol, but don't make me feel like I have to drop mine just because yours didn't work.
I think also I feel bad before school starts just because of how much time you spend with people over the holidays. Family comes home. My siblings do not live at home, one of them lives out of state. When they come, I want to see them. We spend a lot of time together. We all live in the same house again for a while, so, even if we aren't actively together, we are under the same roof. I am never alone over breaks. I am always at work with good coworkers, at big family events, spending time with my immediate family, or catching up with old friends. There is, in my mind, no time to sit alone. That would be a waste. And then I go back to school. Where I spend every meal alone. Where I sleep alone. Where I walk to class alone. Where I go to my clubs alone. I hate it. I hate the cycle. I hate the pressure that I have put on myself, along with society's passive aggressive pressure. I hate the construct of college. I am so sick of the preaching of independence and moving on, because it just seems to end in everyone feeling wildly alone, isolated, and bored, while also dealing with the stress of school work.
Maybe its just me. I don't know. I just know that I am happier over breaks, and I dread returning to school.
My God, what a sad post. Alas, some days are simply like that, and I am having one of those days. Some days I love school and the "college experience;" I am the MOODIEST human being ever. On the bright side! Life is still great, nature is still producing some absolutely stunning views, I have a job that I love, my classes sound interesting this semester, and I am a member of a club that makes me feel less lonely (CHAARG -- go join here), despite my grumpy disposition this evening. Much love for everyone and everything, that will always remain.
Anyway, you really think I would be over the first day jitters by now. I get having them in middle school. People are mean when they are that age. It was all social anxiety. Not knowing where to sit, not knowing how to act, blah blah blah, that stuff makes sense. I even get it in high school. New building, new people, again, social anxiety. Lunch rooms are terrifying. But, in college? Why be nervous? You make your own schedule. There is no obligation to meet people. There are no lunch tables. No stigma of sitting alone. So why do I hate it? I am not worried about finding my buildings. I know my professors won't care if I show up a little late because I was lost. I don't know. I think it is still social anxiety, but in a different form:
Summer and Winter break are only three months and one month long, respectively. Going into these breaks, I make a lot of plans. I fill up my time, jamming in lots of fun events and big things. Concerts, Cedar Point, vacations, etc. There is a sudden sense of rush to fulfill my fun meter. Additionally, these four months out of the twelve are the only time I get to spend with my high school friends, all of whom I love dearly, and most of whom I remain close to. I love them to death and spending time with them remains to be the source of most of my laughter and joy. I feel truly myself around them, relaxed, eager to talk and debate, and just have fun. I could spend endless hours with them. That is how I view breaks. However, I view a school semester, which is only five months long, as eternity. I do not plan stuff because I assume I will be busy. I have obligations: classes, homework, work, clubs, etc. I assume I have time and will leisurely find fun events to attend as the opportunities rise. I do not seek fun, I let myself have it when I am available.
Do you see what I mean? It's a total mindset thing. It doesn't help that I transferred. I have a lot of people that I love at Kent, but don't really have friend FRIENDS. You know? Like, I do not feel comfortable, really. It just takes time. And being in the right place at the right time. I lowered my chances by transferring in. I knew that risk. But, anyway. It is a mindset that I really want to change. I can still have fun. I can still plan things. It is just class. It does not absorb that much of my time, at all. There really is no difference between school time and break time. Like, over break I still have a job, which is all school really is. There is no difference, in that regard. You get things done, then you go have fun.
I think this mindset all started with the whole "college experience" crap that people feed you through media and earlier education. They make it seem like you are going to an island of drunk kids and studious evenings where you never see the "real world" until you graduate. They make it seem like you can only see your friends from other schools over breaks, and that you are only allowed to see your parents a few times a semester, preferably during break. They make it seem like if you go home, which you may love doing, you aren't getting "the college experience."
What the hell is the college experience? Staying up so late that your acne breaks out? Drinking until you feel out of control? Distancing yourself from loved ones and forcing yourself to stay in your college's shelter? Where does the pressure come from to stay on campuses? Am I the only one that feels it? Where does the pressure come from to become independent from a loving and caring family? Am I the only one that feels it? And why, WHY, does everyone always say, "you won't be friends with your high school friends." For poop's sake, why cannot I meet new people and keep the old ones? It is like this unspoken standard to move on from loved ones just because we have repeatedly been told that we WILL. I am sorry that your friendships didn't pan out, Carol, but don't make me feel like I have to drop mine just because yours didn't work.
I think also I feel bad before school starts just because of how much time you spend with people over the holidays. Family comes home. My siblings do not live at home, one of them lives out of state. When they come, I want to see them. We spend a lot of time together. We all live in the same house again for a while, so, even if we aren't actively together, we are under the same roof. I am never alone over breaks. I am always at work with good coworkers, at big family events, spending time with my immediate family, or catching up with old friends. There is, in my mind, no time to sit alone. That would be a waste. And then I go back to school. Where I spend every meal alone. Where I sleep alone. Where I walk to class alone. Where I go to my clubs alone. I hate it. I hate the cycle. I hate the pressure that I have put on myself, along with society's passive aggressive pressure. I hate the construct of college. I am so sick of the preaching of independence and moving on, because it just seems to end in everyone feeling wildly alone, isolated, and bored, while also dealing with the stress of school work.
Maybe its just me. I don't know. I just know that I am happier over breaks, and I dread returning to school.
My God, what a sad post. Alas, some days are simply like that, and I am having one of those days. Some days I love school and the "college experience;" I am the MOODIEST human being ever. On the bright side! Life is still great, nature is still producing some absolutely stunning views, I have a job that I love, my classes sound interesting this semester, and I am a member of a club that makes me feel less lonely (CHAARG -- go join here), despite my grumpy disposition this evening. Much love for everyone and everything, that will always remain.
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