Braving the Changes

Another year has begun. Thrilling, isn't it? Part of me thinks that the whole New Year thing is really odd. When did we start putting so much meaning into a calendar? Like, historically, a very real question, when did that start? At what point did someone say, "hey, we should cluster ehhh i dunno how about like 31 days into a group and give them a name, like maybe, 'April'?" and then someone replied like, "no I want there to be thirty days in this group, it simply makes more sense than your arbitrary concept of 31 days" and then a third dude said, "you guys are insane. Let's limit it to 28 days, this mundane number is the best way to group the days and organize them for absolutely no reason" so then they compromised and gave some months 31, some 30, and just one month 28 because screw that guy. And then, to really mess with that guy and show him what a horrible idea 28 days was, they made that month randomly have 29 days every four years. I'm sure there is a really good reason behind the creation of months. Probably based on agriculture. Likely made to inform farmers on the best time to plant stuff. I figure everything's roots in life can be traced back to our dependence on a food source.

But, further, who then decided to celebrate the time when we restart the progression through the 12 months? And was it always a time to get super drunk and kiss someone when it hits midnight? Was there always a ball being dropped?? When did that start? Why a ball? Why not a calendar being dropped or something. O my goodness. Imagine. Instead of a ball dropping in Times Square, the front cover of a calendar (my mind immediately goes to those funny firefighter calendars) hangs up in the middle of Times Square -- a MASSIVE poster. As the time counts down, the old calendar slowly starts to be pulled back and reveals the new year's calendar's cover photo behind it. Now, that makes way more sense than a BALL. What does a ball falling down a stick have to do with time progressing?? We could have at least installed a permanent ball in Times Square that moves forward one hash every year. A real time line sort of deal. Ah, but we don't even know if time is linear, so maybe we should not represent it like that. For a very creepy display of the complications of time, check out this classic "Don't Hug me. I'm Scared" video. 

But another part of me loves how cute humans are. How lovely is it that we believe one second is the difference between a whole new calendar. How cute is it that we believe we have a new slate. One second wipes clean a whole year of decisions and events and suddenly we can change ourselves and better ourselves. I really love the sentiment. 

For me, 2018 was the year of "yes." Like that Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man. I told myself to say yes to everything. To try whatever came my way. I was very lost and confused in 2018, after a very sad and difficult 2017, that I decided I better say yes to everything in order to find the one thing I would really love and pursue. I said yes to every opportunity. Every job, every application, every social event -- everything. I played every intramural sport, I met interesting people, I signed up for trips, I went to sports games, and I went to concerts. I let myself truly live without limits and without the worry of monetary restriction. It was a year without obligations or responsibilities. A free spirited year of  "whatever happens, happens." At the beginning of last year, I wrote a blog about Wherever the Wind Takes Me. And I really lived up to it. I'm actually very happy with myself. I rarely meet my expectations for myself or satisfy the intentions I set. 

I think the main difference was that, last year, I set an intention rather than a goal. Which, to me, rids my mind of expectations (these do nothing but harm me). In previous years, I had set goals for myself. Like, "go to the gym everyday after school," "lose ten pounds," "make a new friend." Silly stuff like that, that, when I did not achieve them, I was heartbroken. But, in 2018, I simply intended to never turn down a chance to be happy. I decided to step out of my head and stop happy-blocking myself. Stop feeling that I am not good enough or interesting enough for people. This allowed me to hang out with people that I previously would have felt intimidated by. How silly is that? To be intimidated by someone because I felt inferior on some imaginary "cool" spectrum. I deleted this formula from my mind. Along with this, I used to think that pretty people hang out with other pretty people, and that I therefore could never be friends with pretty people. No one EVER taught me that??? Why did I think that??? Something that has helped me get past this ridiculous construct is CHAARG. CHAARG has showed me that people are open and willing to get to know you. It does not matter how you look, what level of fit you are -- any of that superficial crap. People just want to know what makes you tick. People will love you for your mind and heart, not the appearance of your physical vessel. What matters is the soul, man, not the exterior façade.

So yeah, 2018 was a year of discovery. I learned a lot about myself. I figured out what I like, what I have no interest in doing again, what I want to pursue, what I can leave behind, what I value, my moral compass, what makes MYSELF tick ... I was always so caught up in figuring out other people. Wanting to learn about other characters. Reading about people, watching people, watching TV, listening to other people's stories, traumas, and laughs. But, in 2018, I reflected on my own answers to those big questions. I explored all of the key points and the major realms and got in touch with my own story. Figured out my own passions. 

So, now that I know myself pretty well, I know where I should focus my time in 2019. I do not feel like I need to say yes to everything anymore. I feel comfortable sitting alone in my apartment rather than going to a party that I know I will be miserable at. I tried that. I did that, and I discovered that it really just is not my scene. I am not a party personality, plain and simple. I do not need to be. I have finally realized that. I finally realized that I do not have to do things that I do not want to. I do not owe that to myself or anyone else. I know what I want; I do not need to torture myself. I tried a small religious school. Nope, not for me. I even had a brief stint in the Tinder world. Nope, not for me. I do think it is important to try everything once. You never know what you may like. You never know what you are secretly really good at. I tried making and selling bracelets. I loved that, I am going to pursue that. Maybe open an Etsy page. Things like that. I was lucky enough to get an internship writing a blog, which I also am enjoying. My first one is posted on January 4th, so check that out.

I do think, even if the creation of calendars is bizarre, that reflecting on your progress is important. Figuring out what made you happy and what pissed you off and then adjusting your future in accordance to that. And to be honest with yourself about it. Which is like, uhhh how can I lie to myself ... I know what is in my brain??? But, I have realized that it is actually very easy to ignore your core feelings and lie to yourself. To be unhappy with your answers and thus ignore them and alter your responses. But, I am not doing that anymore. Honesty only, especially with myself.

Happy New Year, folks. Make the changes you need to. Be brave for yourself.