The College Dream

My sister took this leadership quiz and shared her results with my mom and me. The point of the assessment was to determine her “core identity fear.” There are nine fears that the assessment lists, one of which is, “I don’t belong anywhere.” This is my personal core fear, but I think it is one that everyone struggles with. Especially in college. So, I want to write about that if you don’t mind. Here is my journey of not belonging to help you realize that you are not alone, and that no one “belongs” because what the hell does that even mean? To whom do we belong to? NO ONE, INDEPENDENCE. REBEL THE PATRIARCHY. But seriously, there is nothing to belong to, so this fear is so silly. Yet, we all have it. Here is my journey, provided in hopes that it resonates and is relatable (the title is supposed to be like The American Dream because we dream for something unattainable and with empty satisfaction, like The American Dream).

I was the only kid who wore a uniform dress until sixth grade. Everyone else stopped wearing them and transitioned to skirts in like third grade. Between that, my hideous blue Hawaiian print book bag, and my atrocious acne, I felt like the outlier. I started puberty before my entire grade. I was this hormonal beast while everyone else was coasting. Then, when I started to coast, everyone else became hormonal beasts. I was never on the same wavelength as my peers (I still feel this way sometimes, as I do not seem to share the same values, interests, or weekend activities as most of them. Give me a board game or movie instead of a party). My mom also got diagnosed when I was nine years old, which made people hesitant around me. Kids were trying to be sensitive, but it just led to them avoiding me.

People felt more comfortable ignoring me (I don’t blame them) until I became friends with my basketball team. I started to feel like I belonged in their presence. I finally had a group. But, in eighth grade, I had a ridiculously stereotypical experience that made me temporarily lose these people for like a year. It is a long story. In short, I was too sad to be around. Not fun. We had a dramatic exchange of each other’s items. Straight out of a movie. They left my belongings that they had in my locker, and I reluctantly returned my favorite hoody back to my friend. It was like a horrible break up.

Them being mean to me was a wake-up call. It seems peculiar, but I needed someone to be horrible to me so that I could see the faults in my actions. I am prone to spiraling. One ignored text leads me to think that they never want to talk to me again, that they never enjoyed our time together in the first place, that I am boring and annoying, that I will never actually have friends, always be left out, always lonely … people being like, “yo, you are overreacting so much right now, holy shit, calm down” snaps me out of it. I need people to be blunt and mean, because my angst is always pointless. Now to the folks out there thinking “no emotion is pointless Maria, you have to feel your emotions” …. BRUH. Grow up. If every text makes you cry you will always be miserable. You need to realize how mundane a text is and move on. My point is. I spiral a lot. I connect dots that aren’t even there. I constantly feel like I don’t have friends.

Continuing the tale. I was genuinely content during high school. Then I had to leave. I chose the worst college for me. But, at the same time, the best. It helped me grow a lot. I would not love Kent as much as I do if I had not first experienced John Carroll. I needed a year of growth. During high school, I coasted. I was constantly on the move and preoccupied. I ended each day content and exhausted. But, I was EXTREMELY dependent on people. Particularly on one person, who I temporarily lost freshman year at JCU. I needed to lose her. I needed to develop a life outside of her. Get my own friends. Establish myself as an individual. I feel confident now that I can meet people without becoming dependent on them. I am an entire human being, now, who does not need to be supplemented by someone else. I do not need other people for my happiness (although they still make me happy, they are no longer my main source of joy). I am still working on this, obviously.

I felt like I didn’t belong at JCU. Everyone already had established friend groups and I could not find my role in them. Here is why, my fatal flaw: I assume everyone hates me. It is a super bad problem. Does not matter to my flawed brain how often we hang out, how many times they say they love me; I am convinced they hate me as soon as they ignore a text or bail on a plan. I HATE that I am this way, and I really am working on it. But, like, what does “working on it” even look like?? For the most part, I spend a lot of time looking for my good qualities so that I think I am worth enjoying. Usually, my mindset is: why would anyone love me? I am dull and unworthy. So, I am trying to reshape that mindset into: I am worth loving, it’s a shame that this person doesn’t see that, but I know that other people will – I should find them.

Additionally, I try spending less time on my phone / asking people to do things with me. This is super hard for me. Especially this year, since I am always alone and hate it. I constantly text people to see if they want to do something with me just to avoid alone time. I have met really cool people at Kent that I enjoy sharing time with. But, I know how exhausting I am. I seriously need to tone it down. Partially because I am sure that I am annoying them, but also because being turned down or ignored just kills me. I know it shouldn’t. But it does. So, it is easier to be alone and avoid potential let down. I also don’t know how to tell if people like me. I know that I am not that funny. I really do not have anything going for me. See! THAT! That is the mindset I need to dispel. Here are some pros about me to help reshape my self-image: I am an extremely good friend and my kindness / loyalty is unbelievably phenomenal. But, I am not really interesting enough for people to get to see that side of me. They get bored before they learn how compassionate, wise, and caring I am. My humor is dull, I SUCK at small talk, and I just don’t really do anything interesting. I work and go to class, how thrilling!! Shit, did it again. A list of cool things I do to counter how boring I am: I watch a lot of movies and shows, I have read a lot, been cool places, and attend an outrageous number of concerts.

So, yeah. I hate myself for feeling this way because I know it just hurts the people in my life who DO love me. I do not want people to think it is their fault – they are all great to me, my mind is just a deceitful beast. Please just tell me you love me a lot because your girl is NEEDY.

This is something that a lot of people deal with, though. I hear it all of the time. I hear comments like this: “I have no friends,” “I am so lonely,” “I am always bored,” “people always say they want to be friends but then they never follow through.” The reason I hear this from everyone is because no one actually does anything about it and the cycle just endlessly circles. This is humankind’s fatal flaw: we are all lonely, and none of us are willing to make strides to fix that issue. We hate to be alone, but when someone hits us up, we are too tired to leave the house or it’s the “wrong” person that we just don’t want to hang out with. I do this too, I am not claiming superiority. If we all just actually left our houses and gave people chances, branched out and tried new things, we would all be happier. Don’t friend block yourself. Let yourself be happy. GET OUT OF BED. I know how hard that is this time of year. There is nothing wrong with reaching out. Nothing shameful about needing to get out and do something.

This confusion and loneliness peaks in college. College is a transient and confusing time in life. You need to have friends at home and at school. This blurs the lines of friendships. For some reason, we feel the need to prefer one group over the other. But, really, you can love both equally and for different reasons. Like siblings. You love all of them equally, but they have their unique quirks that you relate to and enjoy. Your loyalty can lie with all of the groups, a concept seemingly foreign to college students. Before college, life is simple. You have your one group of friends in high school. But then college hits and you have to meet new people. Jobs and clubs and classes bring in a flood of new and exciting people. A lot of people experience the, as I call it, “fuck it phase,” where they fall in love with their new school and all of these new people and they completely abandon their friends from home, believing they’ve lost their shine. WHY? Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold!! Don’t move on, don’t abandon, just add on. For some reason, this is hard for people to be good at. They like their “new self” at college, and don’t want to resort to their “old self” at home … and they don’t even give their home friends a chance to meet their new selves. They forget that their home friends also went to college and changed … grow together, not apart.

So, yeah. If you feel lonely or like you don’t belong, I promise that you are not alone because everyone feels lonely or bored. So, reach out to people. Take risks. Be vulnerable with people and let them get to know you. Get past small talk with someone. Let people in. Tell people what they mean to you. Warm their hearts with some love, yo! You don’t have to be so independent and free spirited in college that you become above human connection. We all need people. Stop pretending that you don’t, and let people love you man, because you are worth it!!