Some Stuff I Wrote While Listening to Lorde
I have been meaning to write for a long time. Lots of ideas festering up in my brain, but no time to get them down on to paper. I do not know why I still say paper. I never write on paper anymore. But I mean saying putting it down on the screen just doesn't really sound good or make sense, yknow? I just ate an entire box of mac n cheese and I mixed in canned tuna with it and it was absolutely repulsive I actually feel like I am going to puke I completely regret the entire event. I also ate these cauliflower tater tots I stole from my friend and they were even worse than the mac n cheese. I microwaved them because I was too lazy to use the oven and holy COW were they SOGGY I honestly wish I could throw them up just to rid my mouth and stomach of the awful presence. I tried putting ketchup on them to cover the taste and texture but like .. o god just thinking about it again is making me gag. I ate like three lifesaver mints that I stole from CycleBar and some chocolate to cover it up but like its just been a rough night for my stomach. Speaking of stomachs, I recently made myself diabetic for a week. My poor body. I wonder why it never works properly and then I put trash into it. Last week, I chugged a half gallon of apple cider (super gross and SWWEETTT) for no reason other than the fact that I did not want to carry it back to my apartment. The next day, I drank a milkshake from Swensons (mixed with jalapeño poppers ((potato teasers, whatever I never remember which one is the grocery store version and which is Swensons's version)), which my friend had never tried before so I do not regret this night or decision. Nothing better than watching people experience things for the first time). The next night, I spontaneously bought a 12 pack of mini cupcakes from work. They just looked so damn good sitting abandoned on the conveyor belt thing. I mean, someone had left them. I just couldn't let them be reshelfed, yknow? I saved my coworker a lot of time. My coworkers ate some and took some home, but I think I ate AT LEAST 6 of them. Yes, bitesize, but with frosting and sprinkles and death hidden beneath the sugary heaven façade. Throughout all of these days, I was finishing up a pack of cookie dough. Again, my friend probably ate half of the pack Friday - Sunday, but I ate the other half. So, yeah. Tons of sugar. Obviously I did not actually develop diabetes just for the week and I am sorry if that like offends people with diabetes. The only reason I say it is because I couldn't feel my hands. For like ten days I think it was? I just couldn't feel them. It was AWFUL. Like, you know when you stand in the cold for too long and your hands go numb and then when you (omg I just heard these weird noises so I took my headphones off to get a better listen and it's my dying stomach I feel so guilty I should not be ruining my organs like this) try to touch something you just cannot feel the something and your hands are incapable of performing a task? That is how it felt for ten days. I went to work and tried to wrap these zucchini in plastic wrap and like just couldn't do it. And the wrapper wasn't hot to me even though it usually burns me when I accidentally touch it. Taking notes (I still write everything down) was super hard. I was actually very concerned about myself. Diabetes was the first thing when I googled "why can't I feel my hands" and my mom had gestational diabetes with me so I am on high alert so like I figured I really had developed diabetes. It really is funny though because I JUST had my glucose tested on September 22 and it was only 73, which is about 130 lower than type 2 diabetes. I am becoming more and more of a hypochondriac every day.
People keep talking about social media. I mean, people always are because it has become a feature of every day life. A necessity. It can be hard to keep up with conversation when people are referencing Facebook and twitter and youtube videos. You gotta be well versed in social media to make friends these days. It is exhausting honestly. But anyway. People keep talking about how unhealthy it is and how bad it is and how they're going to delete everything from their phones and go cold turkey because who needs it? Why keep up with everybody's fake lives? Who cares what you did last Friday? Who cares what I did last Friday (become a diabetic, briefly)? Why surround yourself with unnecessary information about how happy people are when you are sitting alone with just your phone? Why be on your phone when you can be in the moment?
Alright, so. I love social media. I really do. I find it fascinating and funny and beautiful. What a wonderful invention. In fact, I wrote an essay about how twitter made me the person I am today. That essay got me into college. I think? Actually I don't remember what essay I ended up using. It was between that and losing my name tag at Krieger's. Ha, I am realizing now why I didn't get into William and Mary. Okay but so I love social media. It introduced me to amazing humans. No, not internet strangers. My peers. In our graduation video at Walsh, they interviewed me and one of the questions was like, who would you like to thank? Or something like that. Maybe it was who do you want to shout out? I don't remember for sure, but I remember answering, "people like EG and Alyssa who made me feel like a part of this school" or something like that. Mind you, these people were not my friends. I love them but like I don't know if I could even call them acquaintances without them being weirded out. My actual friends that I like knew and hung out with loooveee to hold this video against me and be offended. BUT, I meant what I said. I always feel like the odd one out in life. I always feel like I do not belong. But, people like Alyssa, EG, Evie, and Mia interacted with me on twitter and made me feel like I did belong. They probably did not think anything of it. But, I still love and thank them for it. For them, it was as simple as liking a tweet of mine, replying to it, or kindly replying to my DMs (I recently re-read some twitter DMs from high school and lemme tell you, Mia was NICE to me. Mia, I know you will never see this, but maybe your spirit will feel it, thank you. This girl put up with me sending her bitmojis ((whyyyyy?????)) and always sent them back like we only ever spoke via bitmojis. Keep in mind, this chick is super good looking and funny and super outgoing and really smart like she's got it all going on and I ... well, I run a blog because it is my only way of getting attention. I don't know why she was so nice to me. In the movies, people like her would've ignored me. So, Mia, thanks. Seriously. You have no idea how much you boosted my confidence). But to me, it was people letting me know that I belonged. That they liked me being around. I loved Walsh. It still holds my heart and it pains me to hear that other people did not have the same experience there as I did. I hate hearing that people did not like high school. How did I get so lucky? And why didn't I find the people who needed someone? Why couldn't I be there for people like Alyssa, EG, Mia, and Evie were for me?
Anyway. Twitter made me feel accepted by my peers for the first time in my life and honestly I haven't felt like that since high school. I kind of do at Kent because like no one cares at Kent and everyone just does their own thing. But, at JCU, I felt like I did not belong. I felt like the ugly, non-sorority, gay girl that no one wanted to befriend. Since leaving, I have discovered some gay people at JCU. Where were you guys when I was there? Safely hiding in the closet from all of the white straight men? Good call. Sorry, that was harsh. JCU is great I guess, if you're into that stuff; just because I hated it doesn't mean you should (one time my friend at JCU told me I was too persuasive and that every time I shared an opinion she felt like she had to agree. I had no idea I was so powerful lol). BUT, speaking of JCU (I just made a killer transition without even meaning to), I was super depressed there and what not. During this time, I wanted to delete all of social media. This girl I thought was into me turned out not to be and she got with this girl with questionable interests and I just could not stand seeing them together. It made me want to puke. Like, I walked around with a constant stomach ache and shaking hands because I just could not imagine going from me to her. It made me ill until I got the stomach flu and physically rid myself of all of the built up stomach pain. Honestly, it probably wasn't even the stomach flu. I think it was a year's worth of emotions finally ready to burst out. Anyway, I did not want to see them together. So I deleted social media for a bit. I had to get away. Then I went to poop one day and was super bored on the toilet and re-downloaded everything. Then I just blocked the girl on all social media platforms. I felt bad about it but honestly she probably didn't even care. Then I talked to my sister about the issue while on vacation and about how I just needed to not see people happy while I was wildly unhappy. People should not be allowed to have a good time while I am miserable. What was I doing wrong? College looked so fun for everybody, but I was absolutely horribly depressed. My sister got an edge in her voice and was like, "I am so sick of everyone deleting social media. It is such an essential part of modern life. You need it for your job and for your life. You need it to exist in life, so just learn how to use it correctly, don't delete it."
I have adopted Anna's mentality entirely. It is so true. People don't like social media because they are abusing it. But, when utilized properly, social media is wonderful. It is comedic relief on a lonely night. It is a way of keeping in touch with your family and friends. This has become very real for me. With Anna gone now, too, all of my siblings are off living lives I cannot see. But, when I watch their stories on social media or see their posts, I get to see into their lives. I love it. I love when my siblings post stuff and I know that they usually read my blogs and that is how I keep in touch with them. Same with my friends. Like my one good friend who goes to school six hours away. He is a notoriously bad communicator (which is ironic because I just face timed him for three hours). Since we never talk, though, I love social media. He knows about my life via my social media and I still don't know how he is because he never posts.
MY POINT IS. Don't irrationally delete things in the spur of the moment because they are "unhealthy." Take the time to fix it first. Reevaluate and see if you can make it beneficial to you. Not just social media, this is everything in life. Don't toss things out the window just because of one bad night that makes you cry. Stop letting other people being happy and having a night out make you sad. Pick yo self up, invite people out, and make your own memories. Capture those beautiful moments with your friends and make them permanent on your social media. Solidify the memory. And if you get sad, go through your own social media and let those memories make you happy. People say social media is a lie and that people aren't actually that happy. Well. That is bullshit, I think. Those moments happened. Can't I be happy in those moments? Why is my happiness assumed to be fake? My friends make me happy. I post about them. Nature makes me happy. I post pictures of her. Concerts bring me joy. I will post an entire story while at them so please stop complaining about it. Be your most authentic self yo, and don't be afraid to show it. But also, don't be afraid to see other people's most authentic selves on social media. May we all exist in peace mis amigos.
People keep talking about social media. I mean, people always are because it has become a feature of every day life. A necessity. It can be hard to keep up with conversation when people are referencing Facebook and twitter and youtube videos. You gotta be well versed in social media to make friends these days. It is exhausting honestly. But anyway. People keep talking about how unhealthy it is and how bad it is and how they're going to delete everything from their phones and go cold turkey because who needs it? Why keep up with everybody's fake lives? Who cares what you did last Friday? Who cares what I did last Friday (become a diabetic, briefly)? Why surround yourself with unnecessary information about how happy people are when you are sitting alone with just your phone? Why be on your phone when you can be in the moment?
Alright, so. I love social media. I really do. I find it fascinating and funny and beautiful. What a wonderful invention. In fact, I wrote an essay about how twitter made me the person I am today. That essay got me into college. I think? Actually I don't remember what essay I ended up using. It was between that and losing my name tag at Krieger's. Ha, I am realizing now why I didn't get into William and Mary. Okay but so I love social media. It introduced me to amazing humans. No, not internet strangers. My peers. In our graduation video at Walsh, they interviewed me and one of the questions was like, who would you like to thank? Or something like that. Maybe it was who do you want to shout out? I don't remember for sure, but I remember answering, "people like EG and Alyssa who made me feel like a part of this school" or something like that. Mind you, these people were not my friends. I love them but like I don't know if I could even call them acquaintances without them being weirded out. My actual friends that I like knew and hung out with loooveee to hold this video against me and be offended. BUT, I meant what I said. I always feel like the odd one out in life. I always feel like I do not belong. But, people like Alyssa, EG, Evie, and Mia interacted with me on twitter and made me feel like I did belong. They probably did not think anything of it. But, I still love and thank them for it. For them, it was as simple as liking a tweet of mine, replying to it, or kindly replying to my DMs (I recently re-read some twitter DMs from high school and lemme tell you, Mia was NICE to me. Mia, I know you will never see this, but maybe your spirit will feel it, thank you. This girl put up with me sending her bitmojis ((whyyyyy?????)) and always sent them back like we only ever spoke via bitmojis. Keep in mind, this chick is super good looking and funny and super outgoing and really smart like she's got it all going on and I ... well, I run a blog because it is my only way of getting attention. I don't know why she was so nice to me. In the movies, people like her would've ignored me. So, Mia, thanks. Seriously. You have no idea how much you boosted my confidence). But to me, it was people letting me know that I belonged. That they liked me being around. I loved Walsh. It still holds my heart and it pains me to hear that other people did not have the same experience there as I did. I hate hearing that people did not like high school. How did I get so lucky? And why didn't I find the people who needed someone? Why couldn't I be there for people like Alyssa, EG, Mia, and Evie were for me?
Anyway. Twitter made me feel accepted by my peers for the first time in my life and honestly I haven't felt like that since high school. I kind of do at Kent because like no one cares at Kent and everyone just does their own thing. But, at JCU, I felt like I did not belong. I felt like the ugly, non-sorority, gay girl that no one wanted to befriend. Since leaving, I have discovered some gay people at JCU. Where were you guys when I was there? Safely hiding in the closet from all of the white straight men? Good call. Sorry, that was harsh. JCU is great I guess, if you're into that stuff; just because I hated it doesn't mean you should (one time my friend at JCU told me I was too persuasive and that every time I shared an opinion she felt like she had to agree. I had no idea I was so powerful lol). BUT, speaking of JCU (I just made a killer transition without even meaning to), I was super depressed there and what not. During this time, I wanted to delete all of social media. This girl I thought was into me turned out not to be and she got with this girl with questionable interests and I just could not stand seeing them together. It made me want to puke. Like, I walked around with a constant stomach ache and shaking hands because I just could not imagine going from me to her. It made me ill until I got the stomach flu and physically rid myself of all of the built up stomach pain. Honestly, it probably wasn't even the stomach flu. I think it was a year's worth of emotions finally ready to burst out. Anyway, I did not want to see them together. So I deleted social media for a bit. I had to get away. Then I went to poop one day and was super bored on the toilet and re-downloaded everything. Then I just blocked the girl on all social media platforms. I felt bad about it but honestly she probably didn't even care. Then I talked to my sister about the issue while on vacation and about how I just needed to not see people happy while I was wildly unhappy. People should not be allowed to have a good time while I am miserable. What was I doing wrong? College looked so fun for everybody, but I was absolutely horribly depressed. My sister got an edge in her voice and was like, "I am so sick of everyone deleting social media. It is such an essential part of modern life. You need it for your job and for your life. You need it to exist in life, so just learn how to use it correctly, don't delete it."
I have adopted Anna's mentality entirely. It is so true. People don't like social media because they are abusing it. But, when utilized properly, social media is wonderful. It is comedic relief on a lonely night. It is a way of keeping in touch with your family and friends. This has become very real for me. With Anna gone now, too, all of my siblings are off living lives I cannot see. But, when I watch their stories on social media or see their posts, I get to see into their lives. I love it. I love when my siblings post stuff and I know that they usually read my blogs and that is how I keep in touch with them. Same with my friends. Like my one good friend who goes to school six hours away. He is a notoriously bad communicator (which is ironic because I just face timed him for three hours). Since we never talk, though, I love social media. He knows about my life via my social media and I still don't know how he is because he never posts.
MY POINT IS. Don't irrationally delete things in the spur of the moment because they are "unhealthy." Take the time to fix it first. Reevaluate and see if you can make it beneficial to you. Not just social media, this is everything in life. Don't toss things out the window just because of one bad night that makes you cry. Stop letting other people being happy and having a night out make you sad. Pick yo self up, invite people out, and make your own memories. Capture those beautiful moments with your friends and make them permanent on your social media. Solidify the memory. And if you get sad, go through your own social media and let those memories make you happy. People say social media is a lie and that people aren't actually that happy. Well. That is bullshit, I think. Those moments happened. Can't I be happy in those moments? Why is my happiness assumed to be fake? My friends make me happy. I post about them. Nature makes me happy. I post pictures of her. Concerts bring me joy. I will post an entire story while at them so please stop complaining about it. Be your most authentic self yo, and don't be afraid to show it. But also, don't be afraid to see other people's most authentic selves on social media. May we all exist in peace mis amigos.
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