It's Over, Nothing's Over
During my last full day on John Carroll's campus (which is admittedly beautiful), I met a friend of mine for lunch. She asked me how it felt to be leaving, knowing that I was not particularly happy at JCU. I told her I was extremely happy to be leaving. I also informed her that it made me sad that I had nothing happy to contribute to conversations all year. This is something that has been plaguing my heart all year; I had a shitty year. Plain and simple. It was a year of unfortunate events. I really cannot even blame my own mentality; the circumstances were simply terrible. Life threw me a ton of curve balls this year, and, as we all learned during intramural softball at the end of the year, I am awful at hitting balls these days. Anyway. This entire year, I fear that I brought nothing but bad news to the table. Like, hey! Great to hear you had a lovely day, I just found out my favorite restaurant that I had two gift cards for (one accidentally granted to me by luck) closed down and my money is useless. O! Great to see you, yeah I just had my tooth pulled and found out my wisdom teeth need to get pulled, too. You know, stuff like that. Nothing serious, just a string of events that were incredibly inconvenient and painful and built on each other a lot. Additionally, I went on an immersion trip that, frankly, bummed me out. I learned a lot of shit and not really any ways to solve it. It was depressing. This year, I had to face the cruel world. From the awful world of homelessness and poverty, to the hypocrites at JCU, to every couple I know dissolving (most of which because of cheating -- people suck), I was made fully aware of the heinous behavior of humans around me. And, worst of all, I had no one by my side while being relentlessly exposed to the harsh environment we live in. At least, that was how I felt. Obviously, no one is ever alone, but it was extremely easy to feel that way in the cookie-cutter atmosphere at JCU. Plus, I felt like I had no purpose. I had no one to go home to at the end of days. I did not have a job. I was not contributing to society or even just an individual or any cause. I felt restless and useless. Further, I was no one's first choice. That was really the hardest part, I think. I lost my best friend this year, and although she was quick to replace the role I played in her life, I struggled to at JCU. I had great friends at home anxiously awaiting our returns to each other, but everyone I met at JCU already had other people, so being on campus could be rather lonely. My closest friends were already an established friend group and were all dating each other. I was never the first person asked to dinner. That kind of feeling. It is an underestimated pain. I had a lot of fun third wheeling and I loved my friends, don't get me wrong. It was just easy to feel like an addition rather than a necessity. And, as shown by the fact that I run a blog, I am an attention hog. I cannot stand not being the most important person to someone. It is a deep sensation of loneliness for me. I like to feel needed / wanted. It gives me a sense of purpose.
My point being, I feel like I was not myself this year. Yes, I have always been a critic of the world around me. Whether it be a bad worker or a flawed political system, I have always vehemently stated my anger and beliefs about the world. But, this year, everything was amplified and shrouded in a dark cloud. So, if you knew me this year, I am so sorry you ever had to meet me like that. I have never been so pessimistic in my life. I hate being the person who brings everyone's vibes down. I hate being the one who constantly makes inappropriately timed jokes about how awful my life is that make people speechless and internally cringe. Sorry you had to endure my bullshit.
After I told my friend that I regretted how I brought down the people around me this year, and how I was eager to be myself again this summer and finally bring some good news to conversations, she asked me to tell her something good from this year. All I could think about was getting off of that bloody campus during the conversation, so I did not really have anything to tell her. But, I would now like to take the time to properly answer the question because, like everything in life, there was of course good things that came out of JCU, no matter how life-sucking it felt in the moment. So, please enjoy some lessons and stories with Maria, reflecting on some good times and things and people from this year.
For starters, the "friend" I was talking to in this conversation was not the normal "friend" that I reference. So, hey! I made some friends. This particular person was from my immersion group. I really loved my immersion group a lot. They were an interesting bunch of people. Extremely profound human beings with fascinating stories to share and wisdom to bestow on me. My immersion trip was far and away the highlight from this year. My views on the world were greatly altered and I met people with whom I hope to keep in touch. To anyone going to JCU, I cannot recommend the immersion program enough. It is way different than high school trips. It delves much deeper and is educational on a much larger scale. Especially the Cleveland one. I think it being a local one made it more impactful for me.
Speaking of Cleveland, that was another great thing from this year. I really fell in love with Cleveland. Like, beyond loving LeBron and the Cavs. I fell in love with the city. I have never felt pride in a place before, but now I do. I suddenly am proud of where I am from. Cleveland is MY city. I love it. Downside? Really hard to get downtown from JCU without a car. To those going to JCU, I highly suggest investing in parking passes and bringing your car -- trust me, you will want it. That being said, make sure you find an upperclassmen to get you a pass on campus and not on Green road.
I started writing this post like two weeks ago and I do not even know what else I was going to write about so I am just going to cut this short. In brief summary, thank you to Euchre crew and my immersion group. If you are going to JCU in the fall of 2018, I highly recommend contacting me and getting advice. It is a weird place. Everyone says that freshmen are all equally lonely and looking for friends at the beginning of college, but this really was not the case at JCU. It's small size and the fact that it mainly draws from local schools means that it primarily is composed of huge friend groups that followed each other from high school and are migrating to college together. I really recommend contacting people before you get on campus. Otherwise, you might feel kind of left out. Further, and this might be all colleges, the time of frantically looking for friends is super brief. Likely, whoever you hang out with in the first two weeks will become your "group" for the rest of the year. People do not seem to want to try new things and are too timid to break out of "groups" after this time period. So, beware, and choose wisely. I was under the impression that "groups" did not exist in college. I found this to be bullshit. Maybe others will tell you differently, though.
I guess maybe my point of writing this was to always see the silver lining. This year has continually knocked me on my ass. I mean, it really is not even over yet, either. Things just keep happening and piling on. But, the last year I had that was this bad, I had the absolute best year of my life right after it, so I am eager to see what is up next for me. I think once Kent starts, my best year ever will kick into gear. I intend to make it so, at least. Along with looking forward to the future, though, I still have some positives to say about the worst year of my life. I made some really amazing memories. Concerts, immersion trip, sporting events, Barrio, Arby's and racing, Euchre and poker, intramural sports, stuffing my face with tween grilled cheeses and caf desserts, and meeting new people that I got to share my stories with and hear their's (my all time favorite thing to do: talk). This year was the Year of Newness. Not the year I got punked, merely the year of newness. I tried an abundance of new things, and discovered what I like and what I do not like. And some other just unfortunate life stuff, but that is inevitable. I also am much more independent because of this year, which I love. More on that some other time, though. Well that is enough of this, I think. Adios folks!!
O wait, so the title is from my favorite Young the Giant song, "It's Over." Go listen. It was also my senior quote. I love it. High school and John Carroll are over, but the memories and friendships and the impact it had on me are eternal, so it is not really over. Just like everything in life; it is over, but nothing is over. Nothing is really ever over, just different.
My point being, I feel like I was not myself this year. Yes, I have always been a critic of the world around me. Whether it be a bad worker or a flawed political system, I have always vehemently stated my anger and beliefs about the world. But, this year, everything was amplified and shrouded in a dark cloud. So, if you knew me this year, I am so sorry you ever had to meet me like that. I have never been so pessimistic in my life. I hate being the person who brings everyone's vibes down. I hate being the one who constantly makes inappropriately timed jokes about how awful my life is that make people speechless and internally cringe. Sorry you had to endure my bullshit.
After I told my friend that I regretted how I brought down the people around me this year, and how I was eager to be myself again this summer and finally bring some good news to conversations, she asked me to tell her something good from this year. All I could think about was getting off of that bloody campus during the conversation, so I did not really have anything to tell her. But, I would now like to take the time to properly answer the question because, like everything in life, there was of course good things that came out of JCU, no matter how life-sucking it felt in the moment. So, please enjoy some lessons and stories with Maria, reflecting on some good times and things and people from this year.
For starters, the "friend" I was talking to in this conversation was not the normal "friend" that I reference. So, hey! I made some friends. This particular person was from my immersion group. I really loved my immersion group a lot. They were an interesting bunch of people. Extremely profound human beings with fascinating stories to share and wisdom to bestow on me. My immersion trip was far and away the highlight from this year. My views on the world were greatly altered and I met people with whom I hope to keep in touch. To anyone going to JCU, I cannot recommend the immersion program enough. It is way different than high school trips. It delves much deeper and is educational on a much larger scale. Especially the Cleveland one. I think it being a local one made it more impactful for me.
Speaking of Cleveland, that was another great thing from this year. I really fell in love with Cleveland. Like, beyond loving LeBron and the Cavs. I fell in love with the city. I have never felt pride in a place before, but now I do. I suddenly am proud of where I am from. Cleveland is MY city. I love it. Downside? Really hard to get downtown from JCU without a car. To those going to JCU, I highly suggest investing in parking passes and bringing your car -- trust me, you will want it. That being said, make sure you find an upperclassmen to get you a pass on campus and not on Green road.
I started writing this post like two weeks ago and I do not even know what else I was going to write about so I am just going to cut this short. In brief summary, thank you to Euchre crew and my immersion group. If you are going to JCU in the fall of 2018, I highly recommend contacting me and getting advice. It is a weird place. Everyone says that freshmen are all equally lonely and looking for friends at the beginning of college, but this really was not the case at JCU. It's small size and the fact that it mainly draws from local schools means that it primarily is composed of huge friend groups that followed each other from high school and are migrating to college together. I really recommend contacting people before you get on campus. Otherwise, you might feel kind of left out. Further, and this might be all colleges, the time of frantically looking for friends is super brief. Likely, whoever you hang out with in the first two weeks will become your "group" for the rest of the year. People do not seem to want to try new things and are too timid to break out of "groups" after this time period. So, beware, and choose wisely. I was under the impression that "groups" did not exist in college. I found this to be bullshit. Maybe others will tell you differently, though.
I guess maybe my point of writing this was to always see the silver lining. This year has continually knocked me on my ass. I mean, it really is not even over yet, either. Things just keep happening and piling on. But, the last year I had that was this bad, I had the absolute best year of my life right after it, so I am eager to see what is up next for me. I think once Kent starts, my best year ever will kick into gear. I intend to make it so, at least. Along with looking forward to the future, though, I still have some positives to say about the worst year of my life. I made some really amazing memories. Concerts, immersion trip, sporting events, Barrio, Arby's and racing, Euchre and poker, intramural sports, stuffing my face with tween grilled cheeses and caf desserts, and meeting new people that I got to share my stories with and hear their's (my all time favorite thing to do: talk). This year was the Year of Newness. Not the year I got punked, merely the year of newness. I tried an abundance of new things, and discovered what I like and what I do not like. And some other just unfortunate life stuff, but that is inevitable. I also am much more independent because of this year, which I love. More on that some other time, though. Well that is enough of this, I think. Adios folks!!
O wait, so the title is from my favorite Young the Giant song, "It's Over." Go listen. It was also my senior quote. I love it. High school and John Carroll are over, but the memories and friendships and the impact it had on me are eternal, so it is not really over. Just like everything in life; it is over, but nothing is over. Nothing is really ever over, just different.
This makes me happy
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