O, Lorde

So, I saw Lorde the night before Easter. Easter Eve? I like the alliteration. Why isn’t that the actual name for it? Anyway. Seeing her live has been a dream of mine for about five years now and it was everything I imagined and more. Good Lorde, I love her. She is so talented and dances like a goon. But, sometimes she is really hard to understand in her songs. Seeing her live made me able to actually hear lyrics I had never been able to make out before. And I loved them. I have a few I wanna talk about. Magical stuff.

The first one is “400 Lux.” She said, “this is a song for the kids who grew up in the suburbs” before she sang it. And the lyrics were super chill and reminded me a lot of my friends from home. I won’t quote the whole song, don’t worry. Here are the lines I liked, “We’re never done with killing time, can I kill it with you? … Got a lot to not do, let me kill it with you … I love these roads where the houses don’t change (and I like you), where we can talk like there’s something to say (and I like you) … I’d like it if you stayed.” I just seriously have the best friends ever and I miss them like hell. I love breaks and getting to see them, but it also sucks because it makes coming back to school so hard. When I’m home, I know that my friends want to see me. Genuinely. We look forward to seeing each other and are constantly making plans for when we will see each other next. We have the weirdest adventures. Most of the time we just sit in basements for hours talking. We don’t drink or do drugs or anything or play games or watch movies. We seriously can talk for hours about literally nothing and absolutely everything. Other times we go to coffee shops at 11 pm. We are always the last people in a business. Whether it be chipotle, Panera, or a coffee shop. It is our trademark. We can out talk the whole city. We all have extremely strong personalities that are drastically different from one another and they clash rather beautifully. The line about killing time resonated on a deeper level, also, though. I mean. It kind of is depressing but that’s all life is. Killing time. Nothing we do really matters in the massive scheme of things. But, at the same time, who we love may not change the world, but it changes that person’s world and our own. Anyway. It really hit me career wise. I do not want to proof read and kill time the rest of my life. I want to make time. I want to give people more time. Which sounds medical, but I will do it through the legal system because blood makes me faint. I do not want to merely kill my own time; rather, I want to create time for others by using my own time.

Next is “Supercut.” I already thought this was the best song on the new album, but I fell even more in love with it live. Some lines, “In my head, I play a supercut of us. All the magic we gave off. All the love we had and lost. And in my head, the visions never stop. These ribbons wrap me up. But when I reach for you, there's just a supercut … Cause in my head, in my head, I do everything right. When you call I'll forgive and not fight. All the moments I play in the dark. Wild and fluorescent, come home to my heart.” This just like perfectly captures the feeling of losing a friend or lover. This is what moving on or breaking up or having a fight with a friend feels like. You want the magic to still be there and continue, but, in reality, you are just only remembering the good parts and conveniently forgetting the bad stuff that led to the break in the first place. But, how beautiful is it that your brain naturally does that? You never have to regret things or hate your past; you can be happy that it happened and remember the good times. It is really easy to get caught up in the supercuts, though. It is easy to dream about people and regret how you acted. If I would’ve just stayed on the phone a little longer instead of hanging up, where we would be today? It is easy to have these magical memories and constantly replay them. You know how people say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? Before relationships die, a supercut of your good times together flashes before your eyes. It is sentimental and nostalgic and real and fake and beautiful all at once.

Next is “Liability.” This song tears out my freaking fracking heart strings, my God. Some lines, “So I guess I'll go home into the arms of the girl that I love, the only love I haven't screwed up. She's so hard to please, but she's a forest fire … They say, "You're a little much for me, you're a liability. You're a little much for me." So they pull back, make other plans. I understand, I'm a liability. Get you wild, make you leave. I'm a little much for E-a-na-na-na, everyone. The truth is I am a toy that people enjoy, 'til all of the tricks don't work anymore, and then they are bored of me.” I really just love this song and relate to it so much. I like to think I am uniquely pained and angsty, but I think every human has felt like a liability at some point. Anyway. The first point. The first part is about the mother daughter dynamic. My mom hates when I talk about her on here so I won’t dwell, but I think it is important to acknowledge and love the uniquely deep bond a mother and daughter experience. The second part, though, is just classic angsty teen pain feeling left out and unloved. I have always felt that way. I know I can be a bit much. I aggressively love people and am not afraid to show it. I say how I feel when I feel it. I compliment endlessly. I am always the person to send the extra text or the last snapchat. I will never end a conversation. I know that it is not an attractive quality. I know I love too much and it makes me really awkward. I am like a little kid or loyal puppy. I cannot play it cool. Ever. I know this. And because of this, people get bored of me. In high school, people always praised me on social media. I got a lot of DMs about my blog, people said they adored my tweets and Ferrato Film Productions. And yet, no one ever followed through on coffee. No one actually showed up. People have always claimed to adore my odd personality, but no one ever actually wants to hang out. People are very fake, and it breaks my heart. There is no need to play with me. If you do not want to my friend, that’s chill, just don’t act/say you do. I feel like a goddamn liability to everyone all the time. The petty and over talkative one who is always making the plans and always keeping the streak and always texting the group messages first. I just wonder what it is like to be wanted. In any regard of life. What is it like to not be an annoying pest or liability??

Next is another slow sad song, “Writer in the Dark.” Lorde said this was the hardest for her to write because it struck at who she really is and what she really struggles with. Some lines, “I am my mother's child, I'll love you 'til my breathing stops. I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me. But in our darkest hours, I stumbled on a secret power; I'll find a way to be without you, babe. I still feel you, now and then, slow like pseudo-ephedrine. When you see me, will you say I've changed? I ride the subway, read the signs. I let the seasons change my mind. I love it here since I've stopped needing you.” Not much to say about this, really. I think everyone feels this in college though. Well, life in general, but particularly the beginning of college because that is when life changes a lot and people choose to dip out of your life. I think people get really scared about losing people and being alone and then they realize that they are never really alone and that life goes on without people. Which is slightly terrifying, but also relieving.

Alright there is a lot more I could talk about. I love Lorde and I love music. But, those are the main ones. Trying to keep things a little shorter though. Life is bizarre, but music often makes sense of it.