Born Again

What do you get when you add weather that is right around sixty degrees, warm but still breezy, good music with summer vibes, and just a touch of stress? Maria’s ideal writing mood. My God have the ideas just been spewing from every part of my body this past week. I had the complete opposite of writer’s block. I had writer’s diarrhea. Literally. I had the stomach flu and that shit just came out man (both writing and literal shit).

My mind, per usual, I think I say this at the beginning of every blog, has been everywhere lately. So, yeah, I had the stomach flu. It was awful. My goodness. I was completely out of commission from Sunday at 5 am until Tuesday at noon. Even then, I still felt sick but I genuinely HAD to do school work so I sucked it up (not literally this time, don’t worry) and made myself get out of bed and put clothes on. But, on Sunday and Monday, I quarantined myself (after potentially infecting my friends’ room (sorry guys)) in my room and slept for forty-eight hours straight. I had a lot of alone time to think and nothing to do due to essential body paralysis. The one time I tried to move was to the Health Center, where I fainted while the doctor tried to tell me what drugs to take and my friend had to come save me and walk me back safely to my dorm. So, anyway, I was trapped with nothing to do. Which, if you know me, is pretty dangerous. Well, I would argue that it is dangerous for anyone. I mean, that is why solitary confinement screws people up.

Anyway. I have tickets to go see my favorite singer of all time, Kate Nash, on April 21. I have loved Kate Nash since sixth grade. She has guided me through cruel friend break ups and anger at loved ones. She has been my go to on bad days. She is one of the few artists who I always say I can just put on shuffle and be content. Never have to skip a song, and her stuff is so diverse that you feel like you’re listening to an array of things anyway. But. Her new album. Golly, man, it is just not good. There are like three good songs out of fourteen. And, of course, her tour is mainly this new album. I wish I could go back in time and see young Kate Nash with her puffy cheeks and bangs, just sitting on a piano singing emotional songs and cute songs like Merry Happy, Paris, Birds … songs like that. I would love that. But, now her concerts consist of her wearing weird outfits, screaming a lot, slapping her butt, and heavy guitar. Not my type.

Even Kate Nash has changed. I am trying to sell my Kate Nash concert tickets. Just let that sink in for a second. I, Maria Ferrato, die hard Kate Nash fan for nearly eight years, am trying to sell Kate Nash tickets. Have I changed? Or has Kate? Probably both. But, the incident has really shaken me up. Has me really reevaluating life. I think I have changed a lot this year. I have been thinking about it a lot and like I feel like a new human. Completely. I do not even know how or why or when it happened. I just feel different. Inside. I don’t know. I can’t really explain it. I just feel a lot more mature.

Like, take this whole stomach flu situation for instance. Last year’s edition of Maria would not have been able to handle that kind of illness on her own. This year’s Maria handled it like a champ and only asked for minimal help from peers. Last year’s Maria would’ve been crying and begging to be picked up from school. Hell, last year’s Maria would never have survived college to begin with. My God, has this year’s Maria even survived college?

College just kind of happens. You’re never ready for it. For those of you making your final decisions of college and nearing graduation: I know you feel unprepared. Frankly, you are. But, the best way to learn how to do life is to just do it. I think it is interesting how we humans think there is some “right” way of doing things. Like, we are all here for the first time. We are all figuring things out together. There is no “right” way or even a system to how we humans function. Anything goes. Truly. That is why religion exists. Religion is the guidebook for humanity. Without a God to live for, what the hell are we doing we here and why are we bothering to do it? I do not personally ascribe to that belief, but that is the origin of religion. People ended up on Earth and were like, “how the heck did I end up here and why and what is this?” The person to their right answered, “yahweh” and BAM we have religion. They mumbled a jumble confusion of letters in panicked response to the unanswerable question and their friend made a religion out of it. Well, that is my belief anyway.

I am going to bring back transcendentalism, I think. That should be a religion. I know it is just a historical literary movement, but I really think it is more than that. Transcendentalism is, by definition, “an idealistic philosophical and social movement that developed in New England around 1836 in reaction to rationalism. Influenced by romanticism, Platonism, and Kantian philosophy, it taught that divinity pervades all nature and humanity, and its members held progressive views on feminism and communal living. Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau were central figures.” Essentially, what it is, is the belief that all humans are connected by a universal thread of energy which also ties them to nature. It is a bit Native American in its values. I love it. When I learned about it in high school, I fell in love. It makes so much more sense than living for some foreign and distant deity that we can only experiment on finding by dying. Why question the figure? Why not just rely on what we know for sure exists: life and love. We are all alive and so are the trees and animals around us. We are alive because love has kept us alive. We, us human beings today, are the only of our kind to exist. During cave man times, other versions of humans existed. I am completely blanking on their names right now. We are homo sapiens right? So, you know, the other walking talking ape like things also existed, but we humans prevailed as the only type of walking talking ape like things because of, what you ask? LOVE. Living in communities, looking out for each other, feeding each other. I would way rather dedicate myself to that than a mysterious man on the clouds. Personally.

I find a lot of love and comfort in a group of people. I am a true extrovert at heart. I get my energy from people. After hanging out with friends and talking about things, like really talking about thinks, not just gossiping or talking about homework, I feel impassioned and spirited and alive. Like really thriving alive, not just existing. That, to me, is God at work. That deep sense of love and understanding shared between good friends.

I have this song I listen to every time I am home. Did I already blog about this? Not sure. I know I have been wanting to for a long time. Sorry if I already did. But, anyway. I have this song that I love to listen to at the exact same place every time I am home. Wherever or whenever I am driving home alone, right when I turn onto the road I live off of, I play “Born Again” by Saint Motel. And I jam. Oooo my Lord do I JAM. I scream, I slap the steering wheel. I get into it. You just gotta kinda let the music move through you, man. Anyway, I blast that song super loud and scream the lyrics. And, every time I hear it, I think about how different I am since the last time I heard the song. How I really am Born Again every time I hear it. “Well, there’s no need to be nervous, I’m not dangerous anymore. I cleaned up and found Jesus, and he’s waiting at my door. Now, here’s a leaflet, try to read it, you have always been a friend. But, when you see me next, you won’t recognize the person that I am; I’m born again.” OOO can’t you just hear me screaming in the back of your mind? Those lyrics MOVE me, man.

My point is. You should be born again every time you hear the song. Hell, you should strive to be born again every morning. That should be the goal. To be a new version of yourself every day. New and improved.

Speaking of college (I think I mentioned it a while ago lol), do you realize that nothing is permanent? Once college hits, people tend to view decisions as these scary and permanent things. Well, hey. A ton of people transfer, so chill. Where you decide to go really may not be where you end up. It still is just life. Life is volatile and liquid. Life is like putty, not cement. Nothing you do will determine the rest of your life, I promise. The one thing college has really taught me is that a deadline doesn’t mean shit. Okay, let me clarify. If you want to have a good work ethic and get good grades, due dates are important. But, deadlines for things like, “sign up for this college by TODAY OR ELSE you’re screwed” are bologna and cheese. My sister switched college choices a few days after the deadline and she’s graduating this year on time totally fine. Please do not ever feel trapped in your life or in your decisions. There is more freedom than you may realize or see, but I promise the leniency and kindness and love of humans exists and you will be okay and you will not be trapped in your rash decisions.

Alright. I wanna talk about John Carroll for a bit here. I have been having a minor mid-life crisis these past two days because I realized I am going to have to start all over again AGAIN at Kent. I am really bad at fresh starts. I love them and crave them, but I also am just bad at them. I am so incredibly awkward. I know blah blah I am good at making friends and all of that nonsense my family thinks, but I really am not. My family does not have to see me interact with people my age. I assure you, I am awkward. Holy cow, I regret everything I say constantly. I really love these people in my life right now and I wish I was friends with them but I AM INCAPABLE OF SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS. I make bad jokes. I cross lines. I just. I just do everything wrong. No one really wants to hang out with me ever. And, frankly, I cannot blame them. I am an awkward sack of potatoes with a bad sense of humor and weird view on life. I get tired of myself most days too, which is why I am an extrovert and not an introvert. But, it has been intimidating me recently that I am going to have to meet new people. Before, this excited me. And, it still does. But it also scares me now. I am going to have to seriously reassess myself this summer and shape up before school starts.

Okay, but, the reason I want to talk about John Carroll real quick. The school year is coming to an end. It is really freaking me out. I only have two more whole weekends here. So, hey, enjoy me while I am here! I also have been having a mid-life crisis because I am worried people will not keep in touch with me. The end of this school year feels really permanent because I have a suspicion that the people I met this year will just forget me once I leave. And that really scares me. To know that I had small impacts on people, if any. There are a lot of people here that I really love and find fascinating and want to keep in touch with. I have a feeling that won’t happen though. If I already lost people this year that I never thought I would lose, then I am likely to lose the friends I made here.

I guess, ultimately, thank you to the good people here at JCU. You know who you are. There isn’t a lot, lol, but they were so good in quality that quantity does not matter. If you ever find yourself reading this, know that you have made my time here bearable and even fun. Thank you for everything and please keep in touch.

Guess I forgot to be concise this time lol sorry guys. If you made it this far, I recommend reading the "Like What" blog because I just read it and its really good.