Are You Sure You Wanna Know?

When I was little, my brother and my neighbor made me memorize this script they wrote and filmed me reciting it. They told me it was my audition for their film. I was probably like seven or eight, but I still remember it. They probably stole it from something, but they told me that they wrote it. It goes, “I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can still hear her screams in my dreams. She reaches out to me as if I offer her some sort of comfort, but I offer her none. Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? I guess you could just call me a lost soul drifting in the dark abyss of what will never be.”

Today, I was showering and I was thinking about this. Not sure why. I have really random memories that are oddly specific. Not sure why they pop up when they do. But, anyway, I was thinking about writing a blog about just like random childhood stories and fun anecdotes and what not just for people to get to know me better, and that was the first memory that came to mind. And then I dramatically asked myself, “who am I?” I figured I would write a blog that opened up with like, “Who am I? Are you sure you want to know?” But then I realized something (quite melodramatically in the shower): am I sure I want to know who I am?

Relationships are falling to shit all around me. Being a freshman in college, this is inevitable. Life is simply different and people are different and people want different things. It is a new beginning, which means old things have to end. Because of this, though, most of my conversations in college have been about moving on, meeting new people, and drifting away from people. Moving on is a weird thing. Like, just bizarre, honestly. One second you are totally vibing with someone, and many seconds later you’re just not into it anymore. A big thing that has been discussed is the fear of the ability to move on. Like, it seems like we all have some people in our lives that we know we need to move on from or drop from our lives. But, knowing that we are capable of moving on and being okay is scarier than the actual moving on. Does that make sense? It becomes less about the specific case and more about the broad sense of humans’ weird ability to move on and forget people and feelings they had for said people. Knowing you are okay without someone is scary. You go from being so dependent on someone and so in love with them and thinking you’ll never live without them until one day you suddenly live without them and knowing you do not need them is frankly depressing. Like, do human connections even matter? That is where your mind goes (obviously they matter). But, knowing that that person does not mean as much to you as you thought they did … it is fucking weird. Pardon my language, there simply is no other way of thinking about it.

I have watched people, and honestly have even done so myself, not move on from people simply because they are too scared to know what it is like to be capable of moving on. It is scary to just fall out of love with people, platonic or romantic. It says a lot about human nature and life. It means that we do not truly NEED anyone in particular, just people of any sort. It means that nothing is permanent. You cannot depend on anything or anyone. And it is super easy to just think that other people are shitty and that you will never do that yourself, but then one day there you are moving on and suddenly not caring about them. I don’t know. How did I get here? This was not what I wanted to talk about lol. Moving on is just really really weird. I am scared of myself for knowing that it was easy for me to just suddenly stop caring for a human being. Also kinda freeing, though. Yknow?

I think my initial point was that people feel like that about wanting to know who they are. Like, the fear of finding out who they are is scarier than who they are. The fear of the monster is worse than the actual monster. Like, you get worked up about having to fight a monster and it cripples you, and then the monster ends up being a cute teddy bear, or something like that. I think you get my point, right? Fear is unnecessary and damages you more than the thing you are afraid of will damage you.

I do not mean to sound like a cocky brat, but I have never had this problem. I actually really do not relate to the whole “who am I?” thing. How the hell do you not know who you are? You are what runs through your mind. You are your late-night thoughts, early morning thoughts, and mid-afternoon thoughts. You are your hobbies, interests, your favorite songs and foods. You are what you think. You are what you eat. It is not complicated. People are always saying they have to “find themselves.” Bruh. You will not find yourself at the bottom of a bottle or the summit of a mountain. “Finding yourself” is like saying “carpe diem;” it is an excuse to make wild choices and do crazy things. You are what goes through your mind during conversations and where your mind wanders when you’re alone.

Humans tend to complicate things, I think. They think there has to be some sort of strife. But, sometimes the answers are really quite simple. In fact, usually the answers are quite simple. But we let our flawed human minds get in the way and overthink.  

This girl I know needs to figure out what matters to her. And she jokingly was like, “yeah super easy, I’ll just go figure it out.” Her voice dripping with sarcasm, implying she believes it to be a very difficult task. But, like, it isn’t??? Just sit alone for ten minutes and let your mind wander. Follow it down all of its paths and let it run wild and just listen and sit with yourself. Wherever it goes, that is who you are and what you believe. You may surprise yourself. Sometimes you have thoughts that you never thought you would have. Like the first time I was attracted to a girl, I was like “what the hell, never thought I would be one of those mysterious members of the LGBT community.” But, I still had the thoughts and feelings. People are simply scared to know their internal truth. They are intimidated by what path their brains may take. They let the fear of the truth be worse than the truth itself. But all they have to do is chill for five minutes, technology aside, and see where they find themselves. Writing helps a lot. Maybe that is why I have always known myself so well. I love to write. Sometimes I am writing and my pen ends up writing words I did not even know I was thinking. I go back and re-read and learn things about myself. It is magical. I recommend.

WOW. No clue where we ended up. I guess my ultimate point is that the answers are within you, you just have to be brave enough to face them, but you do not need to create or fabricate these answers. They are just whatever goes on up in your brain; not some complicated and eloquent answer that you force in response to confusion. Meditate, don’t mediate.