Who Knows?
It has been an insane week. A really hectic few months, honestly. I feel like I am in this huge transition period in my life, and I am not really sure I am capable of keeping up. A lot of things changed at once. Or else, I was not really paying attention until too late and then realized a lot of tiny things evolved over time while my attention was elsewhere. I invested my time in a lot of things that ended up not really paying off. Whether they were things or people, it was time spent wrong. I regret a lot of things, but I also don't really regret anything at the same time. It is a very conflicting way to feel.
For instance. As mentioned before, I am transferring to a different college next year. Part of me really regrets ever coming here. I think it changed a lot of things about my personality that I hate to notice. It squandered parts of me that I did not want to lose, and diminished the likelihood of various opportunities or possibilities for myself. I had to change a lot to succeed here. And not all changes were in a good way. I think it was kind of progress in the wrong direction. I also cannot help but wonder if other things in my life would have remained the same as before if I had gone to a different school. Maybe not all of the changes that happened would have happened. Who knows? I know I cannot get caught up in those types of thoughts, because they are detrimental and dangerous and questions I will never have the answers to. Maybe I would have been happier, but maybe I would be flunking or some other type of problem. Who knows? No one, so it does no good to dwell.
But, the other part of me does not regret it at all. I met really amazing people here. At first, I was anxious to get away from the people from my high school. I thought it was the sign of lack of ability to branch out. However, once I got over myself, I was able to meet some really amazing people. I do not think I am meant to stay here. But I do think I was meant to develop the relationships I did. The right people usually stumble into your life at the right time. I really believe that. Everyone plays a role, as long as you're willing to let them. My new friends have seen probably the worst and most annoying version of Maria that has ever existed, and yet, they always open the door. They always let me play euchre with them. They seem to want me around, from what I can gather. Who knows, though? Maybe they just like the tickets I give them. But I do really believe that they are the reason I ended up here. I do believe I was meant to meet them. I was destined to learn euchre. I was destined to be sleep deprived with them. John Carroll might have been wrong, but they were right. So, no, I do not regret being here this year, but I also do not regret turning in my transfer sheet.
The other night, I made a joke about wanting to puke so that I could totally cleanse my body and have a new start. It was a joke, don't worry. I did not puke. But, I do think it is time for a new start. I keep postponing my new starts. I keep waiting for the next landmark. Like, senior year, I just kept waiting for college to come around before I adapted at all. And now I sense myself waiting until I get to my new college to change stuff. I am getting impatient with my lazy ass. I want to just do it. To stop pining over people and just get my shit together. I want to work out everyday (which I would if the freaking showers would just work) and feel good about myself. I want to have a job. I want to have exciting weekends instead of waiting around in my room for my friends to contact me. I want to carve out more time to write. Which, actually, I have been doing.
I started my first novel. I am titling it "To Whom it May Concern." For now, at least. It really is not a novel though. It is a journal. I just call it a novel because it inspires me to write. But, all it really is is just me writing letters to everyone in my life. It is everything I have ever wanted to say to everyone in my life. Everything in my mind that I know would be inappropriate or bad to say, I write down and save it on my computer instead of sharing with people. It really helps me, too. I tell the people I love that I love them, the people I hate I hate them, and explain why I feel that way. My deepest secrets. For those who know me, you know how tricky of an endeavor this is. I usually just tell people whatever the hell I want when I want to. I say the wrong things at the wrong time, convinced that it is the right person, time, place, and words.
I have been watching How I Met Your Mother again. Also a show called Lovesick. I really love them both. They give me a lot of hope. My friend (who loves being referenced in my blogs, hey there!) once told me that everything you need to know in life you can learn from Harry Potter and How I Met Your Mother. I would tell her to watch Lovesick, because I think it needs to be added to the list. But, I completely agree with her. I know she was like kind of making a joke, but it really is true. Harry Potter teaches imagination and friendship, and How I Met Your Mother teaches you how to live in the actual world. They balance each other out perfectly. Lovesick is kind of right in between the two. Like, essentially, Harry Potter teaches you how to survive through High School, and then Lovesick teaches you college and twenties life, and then How I Met Your Mother is the guidebook to the rest of your life.
Imagination is really under rated. Imagination has pretty much saved my life. I think the saddest people in this world are those who lack imagination. Imagination is the ticket to seeing the meaning to life. Imagination is like seeing behind the screen. It is seeing a tree and actually seeing Bridge to Terribithea (spelling?). Imagination fills in the boring and depressing gaps that life inevitably provides. Holy shit, life is so short. Isn't it weird to think about? Sometimes it really smacks me in the face. I get really anxious about the next chapter. I wish I could read the last page of my book just so I know it ends well. And then I get freaked out that like I may not be able to love all the people I love, see all of the places I want to see, and do all of the things I want to do. I want so much from life. My expectations, per usual, are dangerously high.
I really hate being an English major. Now, I say this as a joke. I love English. It is easy for me because I am genuinely passionate about it. I could geek about works constantly. Words are sexy. I love English and the career I will be pursuing. The reason I hate being an English major is because it comes with this idealistic, hopeful, romantic brain. It really sucks to be this way. I hate being the Ted Mosby or Dylan of every situation. Who would it be in Harry Potter? Neville? Or Ginny? But, I hate being that character. I mean, cmon, everyone kinda lowkey hates Ted Mosby. He is obnoxious. He constantly is falling in love and drawing meaning from the stupidest, most mundane things. And he is always saying, "Actually..." I am him. I am also Oscar from the Office. But, my point is, I hate being emotionally vulnerable. It is so annoying to have emotions. Fuck emotions. If I could turn them off, I would. They just get in the way of things. Putting everything out there means you lose everything and have to rebuild all of the time. It is an expensive and exhausting endeavor.
I am eighteen and already ready to just meet my future wife/husband. I am tired of feeling emotions. It would be easier if I could just get married and not have to deal with it. Plus, kids are cute. I could go for some kids soon. Life is lonely. Especially when literally everyone you know has their own person. Third and fifth wheeling is fun to joke about, but it is deeply lonely.
I really love How I Met Your Mother and Lovesick because of the timelines. They bounce around a lot. Constantly going back in time. They show you how unpredictable life is and how volatile relationships are. They show you that nothing is ever totally over, and sometimes things never start. They really give me hope. It reminds me of slaughterhouse 5, the book. It jumps around a lot because the dude (deja vu? I think I have written this before) has PTSD. So you know how it ends. You know how he dies. And same with How I Met Your Mother, you know he meets his wife and has two kids (the ending is wild tho and I love it, super realistic and amazing). So you have hope for him the entire time. You never lose hope. I wish my life was like that. I wish I knew that one day I would be chilling on a couch telling my kids how I met their parent. But, I don't even know if it will be their mother or father ... Life is too up in the air for my liking, right now. I love spontaneity. Truly. But I wish I could just know it all ends well. I know people just assume it will. But, what if I just end up single for the rest of my life? Could happen. Anything could happen. Who knows?
Some relevant lyrics that I am really digging right now. Camila Cabello, of course:
For instance. As mentioned before, I am transferring to a different college next year. Part of me really regrets ever coming here. I think it changed a lot of things about my personality that I hate to notice. It squandered parts of me that I did not want to lose, and diminished the likelihood of various opportunities or possibilities for myself. I had to change a lot to succeed here. And not all changes were in a good way. I think it was kind of progress in the wrong direction. I also cannot help but wonder if other things in my life would have remained the same as before if I had gone to a different school. Maybe not all of the changes that happened would have happened. Who knows? I know I cannot get caught up in those types of thoughts, because they are detrimental and dangerous and questions I will never have the answers to. Maybe I would have been happier, but maybe I would be flunking or some other type of problem. Who knows? No one, so it does no good to dwell.
But, the other part of me does not regret it at all. I met really amazing people here. At first, I was anxious to get away from the people from my high school. I thought it was the sign of lack of ability to branch out. However, once I got over myself, I was able to meet some really amazing people. I do not think I am meant to stay here. But I do think I was meant to develop the relationships I did. The right people usually stumble into your life at the right time. I really believe that. Everyone plays a role, as long as you're willing to let them. My new friends have seen probably the worst and most annoying version of Maria that has ever existed, and yet, they always open the door. They always let me play euchre with them. They seem to want me around, from what I can gather. Who knows, though? Maybe they just like the tickets I give them. But I do really believe that they are the reason I ended up here. I do believe I was meant to meet them. I was destined to learn euchre. I was destined to be sleep deprived with them. John Carroll might have been wrong, but they were right. So, no, I do not regret being here this year, but I also do not regret turning in my transfer sheet.
The other night, I made a joke about wanting to puke so that I could totally cleanse my body and have a new start. It was a joke, don't worry. I did not puke. But, I do think it is time for a new start. I keep postponing my new starts. I keep waiting for the next landmark. Like, senior year, I just kept waiting for college to come around before I adapted at all. And now I sense myself waiting until I get to my new college to change stuff. I am getting impatient with my lazy ass. I want to just do it. To stop pining over people and just get my shit together. I want to work out everyday (which I would if the freaking showers would just work) and feel good about myself. I want to have a job. I want to have exciting weekends instead of waiting around in my room for my friends to contact me. I want to carve out more time to write. Which, actually, I have been doing.
I started my first novel. I am titling it "To Whom it May Concern." For now, at least. It really is not a novel though. It is a journal. I just call it a novel because it inspires me to write. But, all it really is is just me writing letters to everyone in my life. It is everything I have ever wanted to say to everyone in my life. Everything in my mind that I know would be inappropriate or bad to say, I write down and save it on my computer instead of sharing with people. It really helps me, too. I tell the people I love that I love them, the people I hate I hate them, and explain why I feel that way. My deepest secrets. For those who know me, you know how tricky of an endeavor this is. I usually just tell people whatever the hell I want when I want to. I say the wrong things at the wrong time, convinced that it is the right person, time, place, and words.
I have been watching How I Met Your Mother again. Also a show called Lovesick. I really love them both. They give me a lot of hope. My friend (who loves being referenced in my blogs, hey there!) once told me that everything you need to know in life you can learn from Harry Potter and How I Met Your Mother. I would tell her to watch Lovesick, because I think it needs to be added to the list. But, I completely agree with her. I know she was like kind of making a joke, but it really is true. Harry Potter teaches imagination and friendship, and How I Met Your Mother teaches you how to live in the actual world. They balance each other out perfectly. Lovesick is kind of right in between the two. Like, essentially, Harry Potter teaches you how to survive through High School, and then Lovesick teaches you college and twenties life, and then How I Met Your Mother is the guidebook to the rest of your life.
Imagination is really under rated. Imagination has pretty much saved my life. I think the saddest people in this world are those who lack imagination. Imagination is the ticket to seeing the meaning to life. Imagination is like seeing behind the screen. It is seeing a tree and actually seeing Bridge to Terribithea (spelling?). Imagination fills in the boring and depressing gaps that life inevitably provides. Holy shit, life is so short. Isn't it weird to think about? Sometimes it really smacks me in the face. I get really anxious about the next chapter. I wish I could read the last page of my book just so I know it ends well. And then I get freaked out that like I may not be able to love all the people I love, see all of the places I want to see, and do all of the things I want to do. I want so much from life. My expectations, per usual, are dangerously high.
I really hate being an English major. Now, I say this as a joke. I love English. It is easy for me because I am genuinely passionate about it. I could geek about works constantly. Words are sexy. I love English and the career I will be pursuing. The reason I hate being an English major is because it comes with this idealistic, hopeful, romantic brain. It really sucks to be this way. I hate being the Ted Mosby or Dylan of every situation. Who would it be in Harry Potter? Neville? Or Ginny? But, I hate being that character. I mean, cmon, everyone kinda lowkey hates Ted Mosby. He is obnoxious. He constantly is falling in love and drawing meaning from the stupidest, most mundane things. And he is always saying, "Actually..." I am him. I am also Oscar from the Office. But, my point is, I hate being emotionally vulnerable. It is so annoying to have emotions. Fuck emotions. If I could turn them off, I would. They just get in the way of things. Putting everything out there means you lose everything and have to rebuild all of the time. It is an expensive and exhausting endeavor.
I am eighteen and already ready to just meet my future wife/husband. I am tired of feeling emotions. It would be easier if I could just get married and not have to deal with it. Plus, kids are cute. I could go for some kids soon. Life is lonely. Especially when literally everyone you know has their own person. Third and fifth wheeling is fun to joke about, but it is deeply lonely.
I really love How I Met Your Mother and Lovesick because of the timelines. They bounce around a lot. Constantly going back in time. They show you how unpredictable life is and how volatile relationships are. They show you that nothing is ever totally over, and sometimes things never start. They really give me hope. It reminds me of slaughterhouse 5, the book. It jumps around a lot because the dude (deja vu? I think I have written this before) has PTSD. So you know how it ends. You know how he dies. And same with How I Met Your Mother, you know he meets his wife and has two kids (the ending is wild tho and I love it, super realistic and amazing). So you have hope for him the entire time. You never lose hope. I wish my life was like that. I wish I knew that one day I would be chilling on a couch telling my kids how I met their parent. But, I don't even know if it will be their mother or father ... Life is too up in the air for my liking, right now. I love spontaneity. Truly. But I wish I could just know it all ends well. I know people just assume it will. But, what if I just end up single for the rest of my life? Could happen. Anything could happen. Who knows?
Some relevant lyrics that I am really digging right now. Camila Cabello, of course:
"Your hair's grown a little longer, Your arms look a little stronger, Your eyes just as I remember, Your smile's just a little softer. And I, and I never prepared for a moment like that. Yeah, in a second it came all back, it all came back. 'Cause after all these years I still feel everything when you are near. And it was just a quick hello, And you had to go, And you probably will never know You're still the one I'm after all these years. Couldn't help but overhear you. Sounds like you're happy with her, But does she kiss you like I kissed you? Ooh, I wish I loved you like I miss you. And I, and I never prepared for a moment like that. Yeah, in a second it came all back, it all came back. 'Cause after all these years, I still feel everything when you are near. And it was just a quick hello And you had to go, And you probably will never know, You're still the one I'm after all these years, oh ... I never told you, I should've told you. I never told you after all these years"
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