It's Time

Can we just take a minute to appreciate life? The vastness of the world and the infinite possibilities of life. Or, as a writer much better than I stated, "the inexhaustible variety of life." Can we just take a minute to appreciate the Great Gatsby? Like holy shit. Sometimes I really just like sit around and think about how amazing that novel is. Every single sentence sends my mind into this alternate plane where everything makes sense. Where my vision is sharp and clear. Where I can understand life on this deep level. Where I suddenly am eighty years old and a source of wisdom for my peers. You know? Like I geek about Gatsby. There are three things in this world that really make me geek: The Great Gatsby, Into the Woods, and Catcher in the Rye. These three things I just read and listen to and have my mind absolutely blown like is it even my mind anymore? Who knows. I am transported into this realm of english geekiness. Like c'mon look at these lines and try to tell me you don't have chills.

The Great Gatsby:

“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”

"I became aware of the old island here that flowered once for Dutch sailors’ eyes—a fresh, green breast of the new world. Its vanished trees, the trees that had made way for Gatsby’s house, had once pandered in whispers to the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an æsthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder."

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning——
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Into the Woods:

"we've no time to sit and dither, while her withers wither with her"

"And he showed me things, Many beautiful things, That I hadn't thought to explore. They were off my path, So I never had dared. I had been so careful I never had cared. And he made me feel excited- Well, excited and scared ... And I know things now, Many valuable things. That I hadn't known before. Do not put your faith in a cape and a hood, They will not protect you The way that they should. And take extra care with strangers, Even flowers have their dangers. And though scary is exciting, Nice is different than good ... isn't it nice to know a lot? And a little bit not." 

"But then what if he knew Who I am when I know That I'm not what he thinks That he wants. But what if I am What a Prince would envision? But then how can you know Who you are till you know What you want, which I don't. So then which do you pick: Where you're safe, out of sight And yourself, but where everything's wrong, Or where everything's right But you know that you'll never belong" 

The Catcher in the Rye:

“Then the carousel started, and I watched her go round and round...All the kids tried to grab for the gold ring, and so was old Phoebe, and I was sort of afraid she'd fall off the goddam horse, but I didn't say or do anything. The thing with kids is, if they want to grab for the gold ring, you have to let them do it, and not say anything. If they fall off, they fall off, but it is bad to say anything to them.”

“Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.”  

“The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”  

Alright I know I have gone and done it again. I provided huge quotes that none of you will read. But hey, they were quotes I needed to read now. And, for all I know, they were quotes that other people needed to read too. I talked in my past blogs about feeling like I no longer have a purpose in college because there is not anyone for me to love, and I find human connection and love to be my purpose. Well, I think I am learning my real purpose recently. It keeps showing up here and there, and I think it is time I actually acknowledge it and act on it. Writing is my purpose. I do not always get a lot of reads on this here blog, and that often bothers me. I often wonder what the point of writing is if no one is reading. However, with nothing else going for me right now in life, I have decided that the point is for me to feel happy. The point is for me to do what I love. I love to write. I love playing around with letters. I feel like a baby sitting in some playpen with a ton of block letters around them just tossing stuff together until they find combinations that satisfy them. A metaphor for life, if you will. I am just throwing shit together and hoping it works. I like to toss out words onto a blank sheet of paper and see where they land. I like to watch a blank screen become full of ideas. I like to see my thoughts become tangible and interactive. What a beautiful ability humans have -- the ability to put words to thoughts. We do not think in pictures or colors, we think in vibrant words. 

I used to not be able to sleep until my closet doors were completely shut. And then I got curtains and I had to make sure they were tightly overlapping every night before I slept, or else I couldn't sleep. Now, after having redone my room, I no longer have any doors or curtains. I am forced to sleep every night with my closet completely exposed. And, frankly, I have trouble sleeping.

And no, the metaphor is not just about being bi. Just because it is a closet does not mean it is automatically a gay comment (although it is kinda cool that it has that meaning too). This is really just more about skeletons in the closet in general. This winter break has been really hard for me. I have been pushing aside a lot of emotions and reactions to situations in college just because I feel like college is the ultimate acting job. I do not like to cry in front of people. I do not like to be anything but happy for people. People do not like sad people, as it saddens them. So I walk around college always as the happy one who forces people out of their rooms to do stuff. But, now that I am home, I am confronting all that has happened. Especially with the New Year quickly approaching, it is time I confront all that has happened in 2017.

Can we just take a minute to appreciate 2017? I had been dreading this year my entire life. I knew it was going to be bad. I knew it would be one of the four worst years of my life. And I wasn't really wrong... I hate change. I just really struggle to keep up with it and adjust to it. So I have always known what my four worst years would be: graduating from middle school, graduating from high school, graduating from college, and the year I move out from home. Obviously some other unexpected years happened, like the year my mom was diagnosed, and plenty more will happen as life relentless tears people out of my life without asking my permission. But, from the start, I knew those big transition years would be the worst. And I went into the first two that have already happened with a really negative mindset. Which will hopefully not occur for the next two big changes, fingers crossed. So, why do I appreciate 2017 if I hated it so much? Because you have to hit a low point in order to climb again. Sometimes, it is the progress towards the top that is more exciting than just living on the top. I appreciate 2017 because it completely totaled me, allowing me to rebuild in 2018.

My brother is engaged. My other brother moved in with his girlfriend and is now breaking up with her. My sister broke up with her boyfriend that she dated for 6 years. I graduated high school. I said goodbye to all of my friends, and then I had to actually start living without them instead of just thinking about how bad it would be. And it is really really bad. No amount of thinking about how bad it will be will ever make it seem less bad, so there is no point of ever even thinking about it. The person I thought I would be with for the rest of my life met someone else. And not just someone else, someone better, that I know she is happy with. And although I am happy that she is happy, I also wish she could be happy with me. That being said, we will remain friends. Which, as we all know, is a complicated path. I hate my college. A lot. I have met good people there, but there is no potential for growth at my school. It squanders any hope of me becoming who I want to be. I never knew it mattered to me, but I realize now that I really want to be open about my sexuality. And although I do not mask it at college and do not feel the need to lie about it, it is still not something I am okay with. This is because there are probably axpromiatexly five gay people at my school, and I think I already know all of them. When you are literally and factually the outlier or out group, it is really hard to be okay with who you are. Despite loving all of my friends, who are all very straight, I do not feel like I belong. They all are in serious and long term relationships, and I am not. They all are in relationships with the opposite sex. I just do not relate to them. I also never thought I would want a school in the city, but now I am aching for one. One of the reasons I chose the school I did was because I thought it was close to Cleveland, where I could see sports games, movies, get good food, see my brother, and see theater shows. But, now I know that the transportation provided by my school actually sucks, and it takes just as long to get to Cleveland from my school as it does from my home. I never knew I wanted a big school. I thought I had anxiety around people so I chose a small school, like 3,000 total enrollment small school, and I am dying. I thought I would love seeing the same people in the same buildings a small walk from my dorm every day, but I just feel trapped and isolated. 

I really want a change. I really want a fresh start. I really want a new year and a new school. And I am really excited for the opportunity to take advantage of all of these new things. I am ready to flourish and expand instead of choosing the tedium and comfort that I chose. So yeah, 2017 really kicked me in the ass. Everything around me changed, even my physical setting. Actually, though, I did not lose a single person that matters to me. Although status may have changed, I haven't lost anyone. And this is a huge improvement from the last time a major change in my life occurred; I went into high school with no body. I had like one friend, but we never saw each other due to different fall sports. This time, I entered college with the best support system I have ever had. My troops are at full capacity, and full quality. I love who is in my life, just not who I am and where I am in my life.

Here are the lyrics to "It's Time" by the Imagine Dragons, but altered slightly to perfectly explain what I need and want in my life right now. 

"So this is what you meant, When you said that you were spent. And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, Right to the top. Don't hold back. Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check. I don't ever wanna let you down, [but I really need to] leave this town ... It's time to begin, isn't it? I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was. Now don't you understand, That [I need to change] who I am"

Thank you, 2017, for showing me what I want and what I deserve. Hello 2018, I am anxiously waiting for you, and with open arms this time.