The Ultimate Slumber Party

Last night I went to my first concert in four years without my friend, Allison. It was kind of a strange experience honestly. I had a lot of fun, and I really enjoy the people I went with, but it felt like I was betraying Allison by going without her. It didn't help that I was going to see her favorite band, and it really made me feel awful when the opening act played a cover song by the Killers, possibly the only band she enjoys more than Hippo Campus, and that they introduced the song by saying they were covering a song from Guitar Hero, a game we both hold dear to our hearts. I was courteous enough to send off a video of When You Were Young to her, but it still was an odd sensation to be standing in a crowd of people and not see her mop of blond hair bobbing next to me.

And as these odd liquidy jumbles of electrical synapses we call brains always do, I started to think about much broader things than just going to the concert without Allison. You know, when you think about one thing and that leads to another thing and another and another and then suddenly you're standing in the middle of the Hippo Campus concert realizing that you might die tonight and experiencing that over whelming stomach ache that coincides with every thought about outer space or death and then suddenly you feel really small and everyone around you is closing in tight and suddenly you can't breath? I have these moments a lot. I call them existential crises. They happen whenever someone talks about planets or death. I get these mini little panic attacks. They often happen when I am at my absolute happiness. Like, for instance, when I am experiencing the classic windows down drive with good friends and good music. One time, I was driving with my friends back from an Indian's game with the windows down on a warm summer night taking turns playing our favorite songs. I was, in that moment, "infinite" as Charlie would call it. I was floating. I was incredibly happy. I could not stop smiling. I looked around me and soaked in all of the beautiful faces around me, all equally happy, all equally having their brains stimulated and getting chills. Experiencing life at its fullest. And then, just like that, I realized that my friend driving could crash the car by accident, right now, and we could all die. It would all be over, just like that. And what the hell happens then? Do I get stuck in a new body without any of my "infinite" memories to transfer over? Do I chill on a cloud and have to watch my loved ones live life without me? And what do their lives look like without me, anyway? Or what if I live through the crash but am paralyzed, or cannot speak how I feel anymore? One question leads to another, one synapse connects to the next, and suddenly my wires are jumbled in a literal electrical web of confusion that over-stimulates my senses until I think I am going to faint, or at least sob quite a bit.

And then, after I had my little bit of existential crisis in the middle of my favorite song, when I was vibing the most, I started thinking about college in general, as I have done quite frequently recently. And I started thinking about how college is the ultimate slumber party. How the night before the concert I stayed up until 5 am chatting with my friends and playing euchre and clue. How I slept in until 1:30. And how no one questioned me. No one wondered where I was or what I was doing or when I would be home. I had no one looking after me, and how invigorating that independence is, but how terrifying it is at the same time. How depressing it is to know that no one cares how late I stay up. How no one cares if I waste away an entire day in my room. No one looks for you in college. No one wonders where you are and tries to find you, unless you have something they need.

And then back to how I wasn't there with Allison. And how friends drift apart so seamlessly in college. That's the scariest part. People tell you that you will not keep in touch with your friends from high school as much as you think, but no one tells you how easy it is. Every book or movie I have read that focuses on teenagers growing up is set in high school. Perks of Being a Wallflower, any John Green novel, even Dead Poet's Society, they all take place in high school. College movies and books are always about drinking, drugs, and sex, not about growing up and having existential crises. Like Neighbors, Project X, and Animal House. And at first, this thought really blew my mind. It was like, woah, why not have a meaningful movie about growing up set in college? After all, isn't it supposed to be the stepping stone into the real world? Shouldn't it be the primary place where people grow up the most? But, then it hit me. I was singing my favorite song on the top of my lungs alongside all of these amazing Hippo Campus songs, moving my body to the beat of the song, a smile plastered on my face, but my mind was thinking about how, by the time you're in college, you do not care anymore. About anything. Who cares what that person wears to class, or what that person does when they're drunk, or what that person eats at lunch? No one gives a shit. That is the beauty of college. No one looks in your room to find you, no one cares. Teachers do not care if you skip, and friends do not care if you drift away. The reason no one makes a profound movie set in college is because nothing profound happens in college. And that, to me, is the most depressing thought I have had since enrolling in my college. To know that, for the next four years, things are going to happen and no one is going to care. When friends drift away in high school it is a huge deal. There is usually fight, usually one which includes the line, "you've changed," and people often cry at the idea of losing their number one confidants. But, in college, the sad part about losing friends is that it is not supposed to be a big deal. You are supposed to be okay with the fact that you never hear from your friends from high school, and that they are off having an amazing time without you. And, on the other end, you are off making other friends that suddenly mean a lot to you too. In high school, it is pretty easy to develop a hierarchy of friends. You have priorities and people you simply enjoy more than others. But, in college, these lines are so blurred. You meet new amazing people. At the beginning of the year, you miss your friends from high school and cannot wait until break to see your old friends. And then, suddenly, you are on break and you want to call up your new friends to play euchre, because suddenly your heart has room for more than one good group of friends. And having to juggle this is extremely hard. Having to watch your relationships evolve and seeing people not care about this evolution... that is the hardest part. You'll learn to poop anywhere and eat whatever they serve you, but being aware of the massive changes in your relationships and not being able to do anything about them, that sensation is irresolvable and perhaps the world's most saddening fact.

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