Now That I Have Your Attention -- Dan Varnish

One thing about me is that I enjoy the writing process. The thing about writing is that you can scribble something on a piece of paper and suddenly that is something worthy of recognition. I once believed that to make something worthy of recognition, it needed some sticker on it saying, “Great job.” That’s not true. I’m sure everyone holds this capacity to uplift, move, or capture their readers by some fancy rhetoric. I’m no different than you. Sure I maybe 6’1 (that’s the thing though, because I went to the doctor and he said I was 6 feet, ¾ inches. Like come on dude, just give me that ¼ inch) and my mom is a counselor, and my friends termed our friend group “the mates,” and I once won a grade school rap battle, and I am a vegetarian, and I made the RE7URN, BUT in many ways you and I are not much different. You and I both possess an ability to write something worthy of recognition, of purpose. One of the most common misconceptions is that you need to practice writing, and that may be true. But what is of utmost importance is the imagination that you hold. The ability to open your mind, reach back with a spoon, and draw out any idea that compels you, calls you to voice this idea to the public. Perhaps you don’t love writing but that’s the main component that is vital to being a writer. I mentioned that literature can be like a roller coaster ride, so perhaps writing is like a calm walk down Imagination Lane. Look at that comparison. I’m sitting here right now, fiddling with this keyboard and I just came up with something like that. Hold your applause until the end, please and thank you. It takes extreme courage to sit behind my laptop for an hour and write something of that magnitude, let me tell you. The mental climb that I have to endure outmatches any athletic competition, standardized test, or anything of that nature. But back to my prior point; the difficult thing about writing is having to suit to your reader. There are so many different types of readers. From the shirtless guy sitting on a lawn chair reading about the symptoms of Coulrophobia (fear of clowns), to the young sprite lad reading about the wizard that attended Hogwarts, to your parents who read a How-To instructional book about how to deal with kids. I hope no parents read this, because if you do, you had it coming. But to prove my point, the spectrum of readers parallels the stars in the sky: infinity. That’s what’s hard about this process. Just the other night, after watching “The Office” for countless hours, I struggled with writing. It’s not easy, neither is appealing to a vast amount of audiences. I feel like I should conduct a poll on twitter asking what kind of reader people are, and I’ll give those three options. I’ll probably lose my credibility from that point on, but I’ll still feel great about my decision. It’s not like I tweet very often. But when I do, I drink Dos Equis. I don’t drink, but I hope you got that reference. But if you didn’t, I hope you open a tab on Google and look it up. I’ll give you some time now to do so. In the meantime, I would like to confess that I will miss Walsh. Did you look it up yet? I don’t condone drinking by any means, but the joke presented itself with such enticement, and I just had to jump to it. I apologize if I offended you, but by now you should be aware of the teenage culture, which I’m not going to get into. But what I will say is what a powerful tool Google is. Like you can look up, “What is Orlando Bloom’s favorite ice cream flavor?” Before you answer, I looked it up. Let’s give you a little quiz now. Without looking, is it a) banana b) mint chocolate chip c) cookie dough. I hope everyone ruled out banana. I mean I like bananas. I think they are among the seven wonders of the fruit world, but in ice cream flavor? Get your brain checked, my friend. I’ll reveal it at the end, so save your appetite until then. You see what I did? I never really was a good jokester, but for Moses’ sake I will have some fun with this. No cheating though. That’s the thing about cheaters, is that they never get caught. So there’s absolutely no way that I’d be able to teleport over your shoulder and make sure you weren’t cheating. I wish such technology existed, but for now I just want to trust in your right judgement. I’ve been wrong before. What does a nosey pepper do? Get jalapeño business. You see, it’s those things that I’m not sure whether or not I’ve caught your attention. But I hope I have appealed to you, and the distinct characteristic that you, as a reader, convey. God knows I’ve tried to get your attention, but by now I think you’re exhausted by my otherworldly approach to writing that you are just about either discrediting me as a terrible writer or you have enjoyed the walk down Imagination Lane (not Imagination Station, although that would sound so much better). So kudos to you, my reader. You have yet survived another odd adventure sponsored by myself. I hope you leave this with knowing that you are capable of extraordinary things, things beyond your imagination. Let your curiosity lead the way, and the rest will follow suit. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll become a better writer than F. Scott Fitzgerald himself. I heard he likes mint chocolate chip ice cream. If you’re smart, you’ll know why I put that there. Or not, that’s fine. But as for me, I thank you for spending the time to walk with me down Imagination Lane. Perhaps this wasn’t as bad as I thought. That’s up for you decide. My thanks to Maria Ferrato again for letting my spill my mind into a blog post. Until next time, my friends.  


Dan Varnish