Growing Pains

With graduation nearing, I have found myself very proud and very sentimental.

My parents are firm believers that pride is a sin, and they refuse to say that they are "proud of their children." I have always found this insane, as their children have provided so much to be proud of. My brother is famous, which really hit me today when I realized that my favorite singer, Kate Nash, only has 63.5 thousand followers on Instagram and my brother has 125 thousand followers. He has his own custom shoes company, and he is doing pretty well based on his social media following. My other brother has always been viewed as the smart one, with his effortlessly flawless grades and stubborn political beliefs. He moved out almost immediately and settled in with his girlfriend, much to my dismay as I miss the presence of my siblings, but his quick establishment made him seem more mature than the rest of us. To be able to get his feet under him so quickly is impressive. My sister is one of the most interesting people I have ever encountered. She leads CHAARG at Kent State, a program to help girls stay fit and healthy. She has saved multiple girls from the edge of eating disorders, and encouraged multiple to stay steadfast on the healthy track, reminding me a bit of the workout guru from Legally Blonde. She is extremely smart and driven, something I do not think the family provides enough accolades for her for. And then there is me. I am pretty average in a lot of things. Nothing stands out in particular. I have good grades, I was fine at sports but I quit them all, I have a handful of amazing friends ... I am not the best at anything. I have not created shoes sole up, I have not established myself firmly in what I want, and I have not inspired people. 

However, I still think my parents should be proud of me. Not because I am particularly talented or even really know what I want to be talented in, but because of the strides I have made. This may seem incredibly stupid coming from a person who has only lived 17 years, but the progress I have made is more than some adults make in their entire lifetime. 

With graduation coming up, I remember how I was four years ago when graduating from middle school. I had lost all of my friends except for one person who I had only met in eighth grade. I was scared shitless when facing the idea of high school. I wanted to quit basketball so badly, which shocked and disappointed my parents. I, like unfortunately so many other young teenagers, self harmed. I was in a bad place. My health was detrimental to myself and those around me, like a dark consuming cloud. When I think of how bad I was then, it seems like a completely different person. I never slept, which I think was at the center of all of my problems, I had bad habits and no confidence. I was positive I would never be as smart as my friend, as talented as my other friend, and as pretty as my other. I was only 13, but everything felt pretty real then, and because of hormones, I will always argue that what young teens feel IS very real. I hate when adults scold young people for being sad, getting pissed off that they can't see past the impermanence of every event ... as if adult problems aren't also temporary. 

The point being, I was in the dumps. The worst part was that I was not really willing to get myself out of the dumpster because I thought I wasn't really in there to begin with. And then I went to Walsh and everything just really changed. A shy blond girl introduced herself to me and we very awkwardly became friends in a grueling year long process. She introduced me to her friend group and we had a lot of fun together. Everything was great. And then, as most Sophomores do, we just kinda realized that, although we all loved each other and shared no hard feelings, these weren't the people we were meant to be spending the next four years with. I rearranged who I hung out with on the weekends, but the blond stayed. The new friends were actually old friends, and we also had a lot of fun. We took road trips and went to concerts, and there was never really a lull in the entertainment. I'm honestly not sure what happened with them. We never had a falling out or fight like I had had in middle school and sophomore year. I still talk to them. We are still friends. I still follow their finstas and care about them immensely. Just, somewhere along the way, we stopped reaching out to each other to hang out. 

And then Kairos, Rome and Pine Ridge happened, which both really changed my life. I have been so incredibly full of love and happiness every since these events. I met one of my best friends on Kairos, who began dating another friend of mine that I met through Dream League Soccer (greatest video game ever), and my prevailing blond friend met another of my best friends on her Kairos. We all just kinda gelled together nicely. And although I no longer believe in "friend group" because it sounds so exclusive and intimidating, those four kids are the biggest ball of happiness in my life and I can never spend enough time with them. The conversation has never been forced. We always have fun and we have roamed the tricky lands of teenagerism together this past year. I really wish I met them freshman year. I am comfortable around them, they make me laugh, and they always manage to sneak profound meaning into the conversation. They push me to be teenagery, reminding me that it is okay to stop living a careful life for the sake of keeping my parents happy since the self-harm scare. I love them to death.

And my Kairos small group ... probably the longest communicating small group Kairos has ever seen. I love those bubbly kids to death. They showed me more love in four days than some people have showed me in my entire life. 

And Rome, which completely brought down my barriers. Introduced me to people I would never talk to inside the halls of school. Where memories that make my heart fuzzy and head spin were made. Where so much weight was gained. Where jokes were said and camaraderie created. Where I saw a grown man cry because of teenagers. Where I saw teenagers love each other like it was Kairos, but it really was just real life. Where no one did something stupid the whole week and we all just had fun.

And Pine Ridge. The crazy group of outgoing goons who make my face hurt from laughing so hard. The ones who challenge me to be funnier and more clever, to always get out of my house and have fun. To see the world. To eat as much food as possible and drink weird creamer. To be happy and share happiness. To the people I can rely on for honest opinions for prom shoes, the kids who have brought me out of my shell the most, I love you. Thank you for the memories.

I know this is a mess, but this is just my brain.

I have come a really long way in four years. I keep thinking college will just be a quick four years, but when I think of the progress, friends, and memories I have made in these past four years of high school, college looks like its gonna be really long. I am sad to leave all of these amazing people and stop making amazing memories with them. But I know I will make and meet plenty more in the following four years.

Make new friends but keep the old, right?

Its been really weird to watch my siblings grow up and then do everything they did. I thought they were so grown up when they went to college, but I still feel like I am twelve.

Growing up is such a strange process, but God is it enjoyable.